Hi, it’s MsGwenniePennie. Due to a long standing girl crush on Tina Fey (I have this ongoing fantasy where our kids are in a playgroup together, which is different than the dream I had about her where she wouldn’t hug me, but I digress), and a minimal amount of arm twisting from
Kripke Owns Me, I’ll be your 30 Rock recapper. The fact that my recapper gig started with Jon Hamm’s guest star appearance was the icing on the cake.
Liz Lemon walks the halls of The Girlie Show with Tracy Jordan, sorting through some mail. A 20-something in a suit walks up and hands her the research she wanted for a White House skit. She looks puzzled, especially when after she thanks him he says, “You knows it, lady bro-sit!” Fortunately, Jack Donaghy chooses this moment to make his appearance. He explains they’re former investment bankers and victims of an economic crash Nancy Pelosi caused (which, given Alec Baldwin’s well-known politics was hilarious to hear him say), and have been hired as interns (henceforth known as the Fraterns). They have zero real-world skills, but are super-psyched to get Jack flowers, bath soaps, and a variety of Spanish language gossip magazines. Liz tries to crack a joke about Jack’s shopping list but fails miserably. He cuts her off before she hurts herself and explains that his girlfriend Elisa’s (well-played by Salma Hayek) abuela is coming to visit. For reasons unknown, grandma doesn’t like Jack, so he’s doing his best to win her over since in Puerto Rican families, the matriarch wields a great deal of power.
Jenna is in the writer’s room at TGS when Liz walks up with her mail. She complains that none of it is hers, but Jenna helps her turn that frown upside down when she sorts through the mail. The mail belongs to one Dr. Andrew Baird (played by the wonderful Jon Hamm, who I adore on Mad Men and thought was the best host of the year on SNL), who is (1) a pediatrician, (2) divorced, (3) reads golf magazines, so is neither poor nor gay, (4) has Netflix rentals that include The Muppets Take Manhattan, Caddyshack, and a documentary on pie making. Liz is interested, and upon hearing the magic work “pie”, she’s a goner. I know, Liz. Pie is delicious.
Cut to Jack’s office. “Wasn’t that a treat?” Jack asks, as he leads Elisa and her abuela into his office. “Only the special tours get to see Conan without his wig.” Snerk! Anyway, it’s time for abuela’s telenovela, so Elisa asks if it’s alright if she watches it in Jack’s office. He beckons Jonathan in to help with the TV while he and Elisa compare notes. They agree abuela hates him, but Elisa assures him it’s not because he’s white by providing a laundry list of the types of men she’s dated. Jack gets distracted by the TV and wonders what she’s watching. “Los Amantes Clandestinos. It’s a Mexican telenovela.” “But who is that?” Jack queries. “That is El Generalissimo. He is the villain of Los Amantes. The name of the actor is Hector Moreda.” Or Alec Baldwin, who is doing double duty, playing Jack Donaghy and the Generalissimo. The Generalissimo is sporting a seriously awesome ‘stache, and enough Brylcreem to put Don Draper to shame. He’s also glove slapping what looks like a poor peasant after Mr. Peasant refuses to tell him where the diamonds are. Mr. Peasant’s daughter is being restrained by a henchman, while she cries out for her papa. This reminds me of my favorite telenovela, Fuego en la Sangre. I speak no Spanish, but if I’m channel surfing and it’s on, I’m a goner. I highly recommend telenovelas as a stress reliever. Jack notes the Generalissimo’s uncanny resemblance to him, while Elisa worriedly agrees. They cut to abuela giving Jack the death glare. Ruh-roh.
Tracy Jordan is walking down the halls at TGS when the Fraterns spot him. The Fraterns love him, quote his movies to him (though sadly not lines from Who Dat Ninja?), and ask him to come party with them after work. “We’d be honored if you come with”, Brian the head Fratern says. “You shouldn’t end a sentence with a preposition at. But yeah, I’m in,” Tracy replies. The Fraterns say they’ll start off at an Irish place. “Have you ever drunk a yard of beer?” Brian wonders. “A yard like a lawn? Yes I have,” Tracy replies. I bet that was some barbeque!
Liz is outside 13B, aka Dr. Andrew Baird’s apartment. She has his mail and discovers he also has an ice cream maker. “C’mon! Don’t be weird looking, don’t be weird looking,” she chants after knocking on the door, when the door is opened by. . . a weird looking guy! But who’s that over his shoulder? Ah yes, the delicious Jon Hamm. The weird looking guy is Oswald, who came up from the basement to help hang some paintings. “I’m Drew,” he states. “Sorry I smell like frosting. I just love to bake,” he adds, smiling. Liz stands open mouthed in the door as we see more footage of Jon Hamm smiling in slo-mo. “I want to go to there,” Liz sighs. Hey, I’ll say what I said in my Burn Notice recap last week – get in line!
Jack and Elisa are talking on the phone. Elisa doesn’t think Jack should come to her cousin’s police academy graduation or her other cousin’s parole party. Abuela just wants it to be family and Elisa doesn’t want to anger her. Turns out abuela worked in a poorly ventilated silver mine when she was child and now her mind is “squishy like a hackey sack.” But she’s still Elisa’s abuelita, even when she comes at her with a knife in a silver frenzy. Elisa and Jack say their goodbyes, then Jack sighs. “Generalissimo,” he growls ominously.
Product placement time! Liz shows Jenna a picture of Dr. Baird on her iPhone. “How did you get a picture of him?” Jenna wonders. “I told him his haircut was exactly what I’ve been trying to describe to my barber,” Liz replies. “I’m way out of my league here.” Jenna tells her not to worry, he can’t be perfect. Liz isn’t so sure, since she got more of his mail and (gasp!) opened it. He went to medical school at Columbia, donates to lots of charities, gets all the movie channels, and trains seeing eye dogs at home. “Oh, well that’s no good for you, you’re allergic to dogs. I guess I’ll have to step in,” Jenna coos. “SHUT UP! Justletmethink!” Liz shouts. “Please keep your voices down,” Kenneth the Page shushes. Tracy is hungover after his night with the Fraterns and is headed their way. “I went out with the interns and those white boys are not kidding around. Have you ever tasted Scotch? It’s terrible! And this thing they call box seats at the Rangers game? It’s so cold! And what is Rohypnol?” “Tracy, those are Roofies!” Liz exclaims, snatching the bottle from his hand. “So I shouldn’t have taken two of them for my headache?” Tracy says. The Fraterns walk by, bearing Starbucks and speaking in code. Tracy agrees to something, which Liz helpfully tells him is going out again tonight. She says he has to tell them no, but Tracy insists he has a rep to maintain. “Uh-oh. Here come the Roofies. You can do whatever you want to me,” Tracy says, falling to the floor. What they want to do is bail, which is exactly what Jenna, Liz and Kenneth do.
Los Amantes is on! The Generalissimo is involved in a duel. “Uno! Dos! ” he calls, then turns and shoots the other guy in the back! The Generalissimo is a cheat! Jack and Elisa are watching in his office. Liz comes in and meets Elisa, surprised to she that she’s hot. C’mon Liz, if there were no hot nurses, guys wouldn’t have that fantasy. “Lemon, we have a problem. With him,” Jack states. Cut to the Generalissimo lighting a stick of dynamite strapped to the head of an adorable boy. There is no way my words can do this sight justice, so please, go watch this episode. Liz agrees he looks a lot like Jack and can see why the Generalissimo is poisoning Elisa’s abuela against him, especially when the kid blows up off screen. NBC owns Telemundo, which bought Los Amantes, so now Jack owns it. He’s hiring Liz as a scriptwriter to kill of the Generalissimo, and Elisa will help with the Spanish. Liz doesn’t want to get dragged in, and protests she’s never even watched the show. “All you need to know is El Generalissmo is pure evil. Look at him. He stole that girl’s love letters and opened them,” Elisa hisses. “Opened her mail?! That is just. . . shocking. He’s a monster. Or he has a really good reason to do it,” Liz replies. “Oh no! His only reason was to trick her into giving up her honor to him!” Elisa says. “Uh-huh. And how did he use her mail to do that, exactly?” Liz wonders. Her inflection makes it plain that her interest is more than professional. “He read her most intimate secrets and turned himself into that which she desired. What she loved, he pretended to love too, until it was too late,” Elisa breathlessly replies. “Huh. . .” Liz has that glint in her eye because. . .
Dr. Drew’s door. “My dog ran away!” Liz cries, holding up a Lost Dog flyers as Drew opens the door. “Oh my god! Let me get my coat!” Drew rushes off to get his things as Liz cackles into the camera. Her evol plan is working!
NY Street. Hey, I think I see Carrie Bradshaw’s apartment! Drew and Liz are calling for “Buster” while handing out flyers. Liz says if they don’t find him, she doesn’t think she could ever be around dogs again while taking off her coat. She has on a t-shirt for the 10K Benefit for Pediatric Restless Leg Syndrome, which is kind of mean because I know some people that have that and it’s pretty awful. But Drew is impressed because he’s on the board of the Pediatric Restless Leg Syndrome Association. Hey, Dr. Drew, I think restless legs are normal in kids. If not, there’s something wrong with my toddler. Anyway, Liz is ready to give up on Buster the imaginary and hit the wine bar around the corner, but Drew is just coming off a divorce and doesn’t want to get involved. Besides, he hasn’t given up on Buster. Liz hates Buster even though he doesn’t exist. I’d hate an imaginary dog that came between me and Jon Hamm too.
Tracy and the Fraterns are doing flaming shots. Tracy is having about as much fun as Liz.
Los Amantes is on again! The credits roll as Jack and Elisa talk on the phone. Jack makes sure abuela is watching this very special episode. “Goodbye, General,” Jack growls as we see the Generalissimo pouring himself a drink. Mr. Peasant’s daughter is sneaking in the room behind him with a pistol. “This is for my father!” she cries, but in Spanish. I know, I don’t speak Spainish, how do I know what she said? That’s the beauty of the telenovela, the emotions transcend language! Mr. Peasant’s daughter fires at El Generalissmo. “Ha! You missed!” Elisa translates for Jack. She shoots again. “You missed again!” the General laughs. “And now this potion is going to make me live forever!” Elisa translates with horror. “What’s happening, Jack? El Generalissimo was supposed to die!” El Generalissmo cackles madly as he sweeps up Mr. Peasant’s daughter in his arms. “Moreda has gone Broken Arrow! Jonathan! We really should have had someone on the set who speaks Spainish! I’ll call you back,” he says. Elisa looks on worriedly as the credit to Los Amantes roll, showing Executive Producer Jack Donaghy. Abuela glares at the TV. I’d be scared if I were you, Jack. Abuela looks like one tough cookie.
Moreda, in costume as the Generalissmo, walks the halls of Telemundo. Jack spots him and corners him in his dressing room. It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for since this episode began – Baldwin vs. Baldwin! Moreda says the Generalissmo is not going anywhere. It’s given him the life he loves and a lucrative endorsement deal with Sabor de Soledad (aka the cheese puffs with hormones featured in the season two finale). He’s not going down without a fight. Jack tells him to play ball or it’s back to R-rated hypnotism at the bull fights. Moreda calls his bluff and tries to go over Jack’s head by calling the Presidente of Telemundo. But what’s this? Jack is the Presidente of Telemundo! “Well played, Jack,” Moreda concedes. He offers a brandy and the fact that they’re not so different. They laugh alike, they think alike, sometimes they even drink alike! Product placement scene number two occurs when Jack pulls out his iPhone to show Moreda the woman who’s driving all this. “Wow! I am super gay and I would totally switch for her!” Moreda enthuses. Hee! Jack explains he’s going to lose Elisa because her abuela hates him because she hates the Generalissmo. Moreda explains he just needs to make the abuela love him. “You really think you can pull that off?” Jack wonders. “It will be the performance of a lifetime. Like Julie Harris in The Belle of Amherst!” “Wow, you are surprisingly gay,” Jack says. “Ohkay, so?!” Moreda shoots back. His facial expression is priceless.
Liz’s office. Jenna is worried about Buster the imaginary dog. Elisa walks in with the new Los Amantes script, which has had the Star Wars references removed. Elisa says she also cut the scene between the General and Tia Maria because they cannot be together after what he did to Tia Maria’s daughter. “Why? What did he do?” Liz asks. The Generalissmo tricked her to his villa by saying he was having a party when he was not, then drugged her champagne and had his way with her. “That’s what I could do to Drew!” Liz exclaims. “Drug him? Liz, no! Having been on both sides of that, I can tell you it is not a good idea,” Jenna helpfully offers. No, Liz doesn’t mean the drugging! Just the fake dinner party! And when Drew shows up she’ll say it’s the wrong day but he’ll come in for a drink, “And I will put my mouth on his mouth!” “No Lemon, do not do this! The deceit, the trickery is a slippery slope!” Elisa cautions. “But you haven’t seen Dr. Baird. He looks like a cartoon pilot!” Liz retorts. Elisa says the Generalissmo was once a good man too, but the years of loneliness made him into the monster he is today. “I am NOT the Generalissmo!” Liz says. We’ll see. . .
Tracy is hungover on his couch. Kenneth comes in, offering Uncle Harlan’s recipe for a hangover cure, but Tracy isn’t interested. He explains he can’t stop being the fun guy because when comedians get old, they’re offered serious roles and who wants to see him play Arthur Ashe? “No, that would be terrible! You leave him alone!” Kenneth replies, horrified at the prospect. But there are no jobs for the Fraterns, and they have no skills! Tracy will just have to find something for them to do.
Drew knocks on Liz’s door. She answers all decked out in a one-shouldered black cocktail dress. He’s confused he’s the first guest, then Liz fake laughs that the party is tomorrow night. But she was just getting ready to eat fondue by candlelight and drink a bottle of wine by herself – would he like to join her? He wrongly assumes one glass couldn’t hurt and heads inside. Just as Liz is closing the door, Oswald the weirdo basement dweller appears with Buster the imaginary dog! He’s not imaginary after all! Liz is understandably confused, but Drew is thrilled for her. “How could he not want to come back to this beautiful lady?” Drew says, clasping her shoulders and kissing the top of her head. “My dog is back!” Liz shouts with fake happiness. Drew heads off to open the wine while Oswald leaves the dog on the floor, since he won’t quit angrily barking at Liz. Liz slams the door in Oswald’s face.
The set of Los Amantes Clandestinos. Jack watches as El Generalissmo leads an older hispanic woman by the arm into his villa. “Welcome,” the Generalissmo says. “I look forward to your wonderful cooking. Later, I will fulfill my dream of making love to an older Puerto Rican woman. But first, let me compliment pictures of your grandchildren,” the TV helpfully translates. Jack smiles with approval.
Liz’s apartment. Liz and Drew eat fondue (hey, that rhymes!), but it’s hot and they both make silly faces while their tongues burn. Awww!!!!!
The Generalissmo compliments pictures of the older Puerto Rican woman’s grandchildren, while Elisa’s abuela raptly watches.
Liz and Drew drink and flirt on the couch.
“After you scratch off these lottery tickets, can we go to McDonald’s and order only coffee?” the Generalissmo asks. The older Puerto Rican woman looks pleased while I have flashbacks to my high school job at McDonald’s.
Drew is touching Liz’s hand now! He offers to get her more wine while Buster runs up and starts barking at her again. She kicks at him furiously with no effect.
The Generalissmo serenades the older Puerto Rican woman on a guitar before tossing it offstage. He sweeps her up into his arms and carries her off, laughing, presumably to ravish her, while the scene cuts to Liz and Drew, ready to kiss. But Buster’s angry barking breaks the mood. Liz scoops him up to put him in his “special kitchen cabinet”, while Drew complains the dog is giving him a headache. Liz says she has some aspirin in her white bag. Drew pulls out a bottle and pops a couple pills while we see Liz wrestling the dog in shadow on the kitchen wall. Drew puts the pill bottle down and of course it’s the Rohypnol that Liz took from Tracy earlier. Buster successfully subdued, Liz returns just in time to see Drew stumble to the floor, pulling the contents of her bag with him. “You’ve been Roofied!” she shouts. “You did what?” Drew’s confused. “Is this my mail? Why is it all open?” Buster escapes, barking into the room. “That’s not your dog!” Drew cries, backing away on the floor. “I can explain! Just relax” Liz says, heading towards him. “Help!” Drew shouts, knocking a lamp to the floor. “I am the Generalissimo!” Liz realizes in horror. “I don’t know what that means!” Drew says, cringing on the floor.
Jack’s office. Abuela loves Jack and the changes to Los Amantes, Elisa translates for him as abuela smiles on approvingly. Then abuela pipes up, “But what are you going to do about the NBC news? It’s too sad.” Oh, abuela! You’re such a badass. Jack promises to look into it.
Drew knocks at Liz’s door. She opens with a pop tart in her mouth. She apologizes profusely and sincerely for everything that happened, at which point Drew says he got some of her mail. She jokes that she hopes he didn’t open it, but he did! Her Netflix rental is Monty Python: Live at the Hollywood Bowl, she’s a member of the cheese of the month, the steak of the month club, and has a subscription to Vegetarian Times. “I’m a flip-flopper,” she says sheepishly. There’s also a response to her complaint about bad grammar in Subway ads. But $5 Footlongs, Liz! Don’t they count for anything? The point is, Drew would have liked to meet this Elizabeth Lemon in 3B, based on her mail. Liz hopes for a second chance, saying she knows she lied to him and accidentally Roofied him, but weirder things have happened, right? Drew notices Tracy Jordan on the TV behind her. Matt Lauer reports the Lehman Brothers investment bank will reopen under the direction of Tracy Jordan. “I’m doing this so no one will know I’m getting old,” Tracy says at a press conference. “But you just told us you’re getting old,” one of the press calls out. “This interview is over!” “Yeah, I guess weirder things have happened,” says Drew. Eh, I doubt Tracy will do much worse with Lehman Brothers than the last guy. “And now to lighten things up, beautiful pictures of Latin babies and the music of Tito Puente! Jack, this is ridiculous,” Matt Lauer sighs in the background. “OK. It’s a date,” Drew says, since clearly logic is out the window. “OK,” Liz smiles, chomping on her pop tart once again. Lucky girl!
No previews, but IMDB says there’s a new ep next week. See you then!