Judging American Idol: WWSS – What Would Simon Say?

We’ve all continued to watch as this season’s group of finalists has dwindled from the initial 13 to the six that remain, and through it all, we’ve all been asking ourselves the same thing: ‘What would Kara DioGuardi have said after watching that performance?’

Of course, no one is asking that question, but, I’m not the first one to point out how badly the show misses Simon’s biting critiques, if not his plunging neckline t-shirts (I named that talentless grey hair he had near his collarbone, ‘˜Taylor’, for obvious reasons). Simon might even say watching today’s Idol is like ordering a hamburger, but only being served the bun.

We all suspected/hoped rocker Steven Tyler would bring the harsh words we would have previously expected out of Cowell. Unfortunately, he’s brought little more than inappropriate comments for the female contestants born half a century after him and the tired use of the word ‘beautiful.’J-Lo started off her Idol judging tenure by providing more comments on the contestants’movements on stage than on actual vocal performance — which makes sense considering she is known more for her looks than a voice that you rarely hear without the assistance of autotune. To make matters worse, any actual judging on her part has devolved into simple pandering for the remaining female finalists in the competition. Although Randy’s comments were viewed as useless for much of the previous nine seasons, we still half-expected him to be the one to both literally and figuratively fill Cowell’s chair this year. Unfortunately, outside of his ‘karaoke’comments, we’ve seen Randy judge the way the two rookies on the panel have, which is to say, not at all.

Early on this season, we were interested to see how things would pan out after all of the changes, but once the novelty of Tyler’s wardrobe and J-Lo’s hair styles faded, the audience has been starved for some actual criticism. Through his caustic comments, Cowell pretty much told us who we should be voting for, and he usually got his way. This season, we’ve received so few clues, we could have assumed the judges would have been perfectly happy if Stefano won — and how much creditability would this Simon-less panel have if it helped crown that horny little man-child the champ? Although Stefano is thankfully gone, there is still the talent-challenged Jacob still sticking around and should anyone north of the Mason-Dixon Line be voting for Scotty?

So as we head down the home stretch, I think it is time for a reality check with some Simon-esque insight that would have been useful for the audience to hear at some point this season.

To James Durbin — ‘I don’t think that was as good as you thought it was. Not only was that self-indulgent, but you may have just invented a new form of cat torture.’

To Scotty McCreery — ‘Look, the girls like you and you seem like a nice guy, but it’s the same thing week after week. You had the chance to prove you were a contemporary recording artist. Instead, you did quite a lame performance.”

To Haley Reinhart — ‘Well, if I’m being honest, that sounded as if you should be on some sort of cruise, but one where all of the guests are jumping ship. I’m sorry to say, not only was that forgettable, but you ruined that song entirely.’

To Jacob Lusk — ‘That was utterly boring and a bad imitation of the original. To be perfectly honest, that was corny and verging on desperate.’

To Lauren Alaina — ‘I don’t mean to be rude, but that was a mess. It was reminiscent of a theme park act. The only thing missing was some failed actors dressed in cartoon animal costumes.’

To Casey Abrams — ‘That just wasn’t believable. You are like a little Chihuahua trying to guard a mansion. I’m being serious. <pauses for audience to boo him.> That was a pointless performance. Sorry.’

So far this season, we’ve been the ones who have been sorry. We’re still looking for the meat between the buns, and no, that was not a J-Lo joke. Ok, maybe it was.

One Response

  1. Martha April 28, 2011

Leave a Reply

Whatever Happened to the Cast of Deadwood?
Why “Hello Ladies” Really Need to be Back on the Air
What We Know about The Orville Season 2 so Far
The Road Tracy Spiridakos Took to Get to Chicago P.D.
10 Things You Never Knew About Prince Naveen
Four Children’s Anime Classics That Deserve More Attention
10 Things You Didn’t Know about the Movie “Election”
Why We’ll Probably Never See an Iron Giant 2
The History and Story Behind the Song “Eat It” by Weird Al
The 20 Best Rock Bassists of All-Time
Why Beyonce’s 2016 WMA Performance was a Watershed Moment
The Top Uses of Al Jolson Songs in Movies or TV
Five Things You Didn’t Know About Mackenzie Dern
Secrets on How Sports Stars Keep Their Fitness Up
Snoop Dogg Explains Hockey Rules and Culture In Video Series For NHL Playoffs
We’re Praying That Floyd Mayweather Fights in the MMA
10 Classic Video Game Scenes from TV Shows
The Most Exciting and Disappointing News From Nintendo’s E3
Pneumatic Overwatch Doomfist Guantlet Made In Real Life With 2,600 Pounds Of Punching Force
Shigeru Miyamoto is Officiall Not Allowed to Bike to Work for Fear of “Frogger”
10 Things You Didn’t Know about Lisa Loven Kongsli
Whatever Happened to Lara Flynn Boyle?
The Sacrifices Cobie Smulders Has Made to Be with her Daughters
Actors Whose Names You Don’t Know But Should: Nestor Carbonell