Judging American Idol: WWSS – What Would Simon Say?

We’ve all continued to watch as this season’s group of finalists has dwindled from the initial 13 to the six that remain, and through it all, we’ve all been asking ourselves the same thing: ‘What would Kara DioGuardi have said after watching that performance?’

Of course, no one is asking that question, but, I’m not the first one to point out how badly the show misses Simon’s biting critiques, if not his plunging neckline t-shirts (I named that talentless grey hair he had near his collarbone, ‘˜Taylor’, for obvious reasons). Simon might even say watching today’s Idol is like ordering a hamburger, but only being served the bun.

We all suspected/hoped rocker Steven Tyler would bring the harsh words we would have previously expected out of Cowell. Unfortunately, he’s brought little more than inappropriate comments for the female contestants born half a century after him and the tired use of the word ‘beautiful.’J-Lo started off her Idol judging tenure by providing more comments on the contestants’movements on stage than on actual vocal performance — which makes sense considering she is known more for her looks than a voice that you rarely hear without the assistance of autotune. To make matters worse, any actual judging on her part has devolved into simple pandering for the remaining female finalists in the competition. Although Randy’s comments were viewed as useless for much of the previous nine seasons, we still half-expected him to be the one to both literally and figuratively fill Cowell’s chair this year. Unfortunately, outside of his ‘karaoke’comments, we’ve seen Randy judge the way the two rookies on the panel have, which is to say, not at all.

Early on this season, we were interested to see how things would pan out after all of the changes, but once the novelty of Tyler’s wardrobe and J-Lo’s hair styles faded, the audience has been starved for some actual criticism. Through his caustic comments, Cowell pretty much told us who we should be voting for, and he usually got his way. This season, we’ve received so few clues, we could have assumed the judges would have been perfectly happy if Stefano won — and how much creditability would this Simon-less panel have if it helped crown that horny little man-child the champ? Although Stefano is thankfully gone, there is still the talent-challenged Jacob still sticking around and should anyone north of the Mason-Dixon Line be voting for Scotty?

So as we head down the home stretch, I think it is time for a reality check with some Simon-esque insight that would have been useful for the audience to hear at some point this season.

To James Durbin — ‘I don’t think that was as good as you thought it was. Not only was that self-indulgent, but you may have just invented a new form of cat torture.’

To Scotty McCreery — ‘Look, the girls like you and you seem like a nice guy, but it’s the same thing week after week. You had the chance to prove you were a contemporary recording artist. Instead, you did quite a lame performance.”

To Haley Reinhart — ‘Well, if I’m being honest, that sounded as if you should be on some sort of cruise, but one where all of the guests are jumping ship. I’m sorry to say, not only was that forgettable, but you ruined that song entirely.’

To Jacob Lusk — ‘That was utterly boring and a bad imitation of the original. To be perfectly honest, that was corny and verging on desperate.’

To Lauren Alaina — ‘I don’t mean to be rude, but that was a mess. It was reminiscent of a theme park act. The only thing missing was some failed actors dressed in cartoon animal costumes.’

To Casey Abrams — ‘That just wasn’t believable. You are like a little Chihuahua trying to guard a mansion. I’m being serious. <pauses for audience to boo him.> That was a pointless performance. Sorry.’

So far this season, we’ve been the ones who have been sorry. We’re still looking for the meat between the buns, and no, that was not a J-Lo joke. Ok, maybe it was.

One Response

  1. Martha April 28, 2011

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