America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars 17.06 “Coco Rocha” Review

Once a reality show has been in the trenches for a few weeks, its contestants are bound to get a little frustrated. Even the most seasoned of reality famewhore can get a little tired of the constant grind that the medium requires: the inane challenges, the leading questions that you just know will be edited strangely, the lack of any proper distractions in television or the internet. After the show has gotten through its first few weeks and worn down the optimism to a nice, crisp apathy, you get to see the claws come out.

Luckily, Top Model: This Cycle Has Nothing to Do With Fashion Stop Pretending It Does, Tyra comes prepared for situations like this, as crazy Aunt Tyra let the girls take out some frustration in “Coco Rocha”. For having such a well-known collection of basketcases and weirdos, America’s Next Top Model: You’re Lucky to Remember 30% of These People has been a rather subdued affair, at least on an interpersonal level. Sure, “6 foot, 120 pound personality” Bianca has been a big bucket of self-indulged crazy and Lisa Lisa & the Cult Jam has got delusion on lock this cycle, but other than that, it’s been a fairly calm bit of “modeling”, so you know what that means?

Flag football!

Because when I think high fashion modeling and personal branding, I think of blurred asses.

Or something.

It was pretty obvious that the only reason the flag football challenge existed, aside from bringing in good looking NFL players and giving Brittny Gastineau something to do with her day, was to put 14 models in bikinis and tell them to hit each other. As the good Lord intended, of course. The whole “there-was-a-flag-thrown-now-go-serve-realness” thing was like a Saturday Night Live sketch in real life, a truly bizarre bit of reality show goodness that had nothing to do with anything. I like action shots, I like emphasizing athleticism in modeling, and I like fun competitiveness (probably because when I get competitive, my mean goes through the roof), but like…what’s the point here? Honestly? None of the photos looked that extraordinary and even if somebody pulled off something special, we didn’t see the photos closely examined and the challenge was only briefly mentioned in panel, so it must not have counted for a whole lot to begin with.

The other bit of faux aggression this week (in an episode that might as well have been called America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars “I’m Weally, Weally Mad Wight Now, You Guys….Guys?”) was a couples shoot (aw, how prom) with model Coco Rocha. Rocha may look like the stereotypical icy European model who won’t get out of bed for less than eleventy billion dollars and a hoagie from Subway, but she was actually very intelligent, warm, and modeled the crap out of all five shoots she was in. (And she’s somebody actually related to the fashion industry! Novel concept, Miss Tyra. Work.) I actually enjoyed the shoot this time because, shocker, it was somewhat realistic. Who knew that giving people who are trying to go into a profession something they would actually do in said profession could turn some good results out? The thought…

I wasn’t a huge fan of the final pictures themselves (Bianca, for instance, was hideously cliche), minus, surprisingly, the picture from Dominique and Lisa, but it felt like this was the type of stuff they should have been doing from episode one. No gross hot dog photos, no gimmicky tribute shoots – just good old fashioned face serving at its finest and can I get an amen for that?

I’ll wait…

Aggression may be the name of the game at or around this stage in a reality competition series, but Top Model was once again too artistically tame for its own good. There was a noticeable perk up when the girls had to do something fashion-y, but otherwise, it was the same ol’ Top Model that we’ve seen thus far this cycle. The only aspect that’s keeping me glued in to All-Stars is the fact that nobody’s running away with the competition, since there hasn’t been a girl to score two first callouts thus far. Other than the prospect of the first cycle in many moons not decided by week three, there’s not a whole lot here to hang your jaunty fedora on; all the man meat and booty tooching in the world can’t disguise the fact that America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars has been a disappointment and one that I don’t see remedying itself by cycle’s end.

Thoughts, Quotes, & Observations:

  • “Bam! That’s just because!”
  • “Give us referee!” Top Model: Serving Ed Hochuli realness since 2011.
  • “Are we ready to get this fight going?”
  • Okay, I have to ask. Who do you think is going to win this thing? My heart says Allison; the judges love her, she killed it on the Extra interview challenge, and she’s been involved in the industry from other angles, which can only help her modeling. But knowing how wack-a-doo this show can be, I’m not betting on her to take the title.
  • Was Andre not Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dreckitude at the shoot with Kayla? If I had a gong, girl…
  • Speaking of the judges being useless, Tyra not being at the shoot for her own website was lame, Mr. Jay’s disingenuous “help” for Angelea was lamer, and Nigel finally kicking out Bre after weeks of obvious disdain was lamest. Janice Dickinson, if you’re out there, come home. We miss you.
  • I respect Kayla for being so positive about who she is and whatnot, but can we have her say something non-sexuality related for once?
  • Was I the only one that thought for a second they were going to eliminate someone after the challenge? Yeah? Okay, carry on.
  • Why did panel not hate on Lisa’s attire? The sunglasses, the skanky top – I know they want “Personality” with a capital “Train Wreck” this cycle, but as Tyra has reiterated many a time, you can’t lose your modelesque.
  • Next week: The girls create a “signature scent”, which they’ll obviously debut in a bathtub. In public. Plus, Kathy Griffin stops by and Eva Marcille is doing everything she can to hide how pretty she is.

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