America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars 17.11 “Highlights” Review

Top Model HighlightsHey, you know what this hideous season of Top Model needs?

Why, an episode that recaps every absurd, maddening minute of the hours of our life that we’ve sunk into this show, of course! Yes, “Highlights” was Top Model‘s typical late cycle look back at the good times, the bad times, and the times that made me want to throw my TV out the window. I don’t typically watch clip shows, as there’s very rarely any interesting information that gets presented, but because I love/appreciate everybody who reads and comments on my weekly reviews, I figured “why the heck not?”. You’re all top models in my eyes, my little pot ledoms.

And…there wasn’t anything that stimulating that came from the new footage. At all. I mean, if you’re into arguments about time on the phone or finding out that Alexandria has 13 besties (!), then hey, have at it, but for the most part, “Highlights” was a pre-Thanksgiving turkey. Among the other topics covered, Bianca was apparently emotionally instable hell on hells during her time in the house, Kayla’s not the most book smart model on the catwalk, and Lisa’s as crazy as you thought, if not moreso. Shannon’s not comfortable talking about masturbation (but horndog Laura is), Camille likes butterfly hair accessories, and the whole kerfuffle with 716′s rampant paranoia last week was settled over massages.

As the Good Lord intended, of course.

While the clip show confirmed just how many eliminations were ridiculous (spoiler alert: almost all of them) and how the photo shoots are mostly hokey and unrealistic, it did stimulate some thought as to who exactly will be the next Top Model Supernova All-Time Starriest Star in the Whole U.S. of A. Or something.

Personally, I kind of think Angelea has it in the bag, mostly because this is Top Model, a place where logic, good decisions, and professionalism go to die. “Highlights” made a point of mentioning her redemption arc (i.e. three times on the show, four times in the bottom two this cycle) and we all know that Tyra and Co. are placing all their eggs in the personality basket this time around, so it looks like 716 is being set up as a surprise/feel good winner that is neither surprising nor feel good. I like Angelea as a reality show personality, as a good chunk of quotes I’ve pulled this cycle have been from her, but as a model and as a person, she still has so much more room to grow that shoving her out into the spotlight now could be damaging.

Top Model HighlightsHer biggest challenger will likely be fan favorite Allison, who barely got any mention in the clip show. Allison’s kind of done everything Top Model has asked her to do this cycle; she takes consistently solid pictures (that are often quite gorgeous), she’s won several challenges (mostly the public speaking ones), and she’s stuck to her brand pretty well. However, this cycle of Top Model seems determined to throw a girl with an outrageous personality out into the celebreality jungle to generate headlines, with its constant message of memorability; Allison is a memorable contestant, with her wide eyes and weirdness, but I don’t know if she’s the type of memorable that the show wants. I don’t know if she’s the type to be all over red carpets and spreading herself across Hollywood, so while she’s the best model of the bunch (to me), I think she may be heading for runner-up.

I just can’t see Laura or Lisa winning, as well as the two have performed this cycle. I have an inkling that Vogue Italia’s Franca Sozzani won’t have a girl that’s a little short or that has a haphazard personal appearance (and checkered past) in her magazine; plus, Laura has the most inconsistent portfolio of models not named Angelea and Lisa has made disparaging comments about Top Model in the past, so each will have too much to overcome going into top four week (which will be a double elimination, more than likely). Neither has the story of an Angelea or the results that Allison has produced this cycle, so look for both blondes to bite the bullet in next week’s episode.

I think, at least.

“Highlights” expanded on cycle 17 of Top Model, showing just how loud some of the fights got and how weird the downtime in the house was. It was a rather dull clip show that didn’t shine any new lights on issues faced in the house (Bre’s nice and needs to stop protecting Bianca! Bianca’s a loon! Alexandria’s delusional! Shannon’s a prude!) or provide entertaining enough outtakes to be worth a watch. We’re winding down this cycle of Top Model and, as you can see above, I have Ms. 716 taking home the crown in a victory that is designed to be like Jaslene but will end up being more like Saleisha. I could very well be wrong, considering that the girl I thought would win cycle 17 was kicked out second (sorry Sheena!), but for now, I’ve learned to expect the crazy from Top Model and hope for something resembling coherency.

Thoughts, Quotes, & Observations:
-”How do I put free into a hot dog without adjusting the price?”
-”Call me when you become an all-star.”
-”I was trying to be nice, but that doesn’t work here.”
-It was cute that Lisa was so entranced by Sheena’s first photo shoot. Girl is gorgeous.
-Janice Dickinson will be on 90210 next week. Come home, Janice! We miss you.
-Next week: The girls have to write a blog for Vogue Italia Editor-in-Chief Franca Sozzani and there’s another motion editorial like in cycle 15. Also, Tyson Beckford makes his second Top Model appearance.

Shilo Adams is a contributor to TVOvermind whose love of TV is only exceeded by his love for talking about TV. You can e-mail him at sda2107@gmail.com.
More articles by