I’ve been through college three times, and nothing I experienced ever came close to the level of insanity that takes place at Blue Mountain State. If I were going there, I don’t think I’d last a week.
Alex may also be second-guessing his decision to attend BMS, because right off the bat, he’s in hot water with Coach Daniels. Tired of Alex’s lack of effort, the coach has assigned Alex to babysit incoming QB Radon Randell (Desperate Housewives‘ Page Kennedy), who happens to be coming from a stint at Rikers Island. Yes, the prison. Considering we last saw Alex narrowly avoiding a lynch mob of cops before the team’s Cypress Bowl appearance, you have to wonder what it’s going to take for him to catch a break. Or maybe this will be the swift kick in the behind he needs.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, Sammy doesn’t help when he tells his best friend that his sister, Mary Jo, has transferred to BMS. Mary Jo has a stalker-level crush on Alex, which is apparent from the moment she opens her mouth. Not to mention that Alex gets a rude awakening the following morning, being strangled by Radon’s foreign bookie, who claims Radon owes him several hundred dollars. After the bookie steals Alex’s TV in lieu of payment, Alex then gets a phone call from Radon, who needs to be rescued from the hyperbaric chamber in his apartment. Alex doesn’t even know what a hyperbaric chamber is. It’s safe to say that keeping Radon out of trouble is going to be a full-time job for our beleaguered second-string quarterback, even before you consider that they’re competing for the same position on the football team.
There’s more cheerleader hazing (one thing I can say is that the cheerleaders I knew really were this self-involved), during which Mary Jo tells Alex that he’s one of the reasons she came to BMS (up there with being a cheerleader and a doctor). Radon is at the party thinking that he is Evil Knievel, causing Alex to tell him that starting is easier than having to babysit him. This is where a drunken Thad tells him that his Cypress Bowl performance was dismal, although Alex insists he pulled a Philip Rivers and played with two broken ribs because of Thad. After that, it’s on. Alex is determined to compete for the starting job, and actually starts turning heads.
The final hazing qualification is to have sex with the mascot. Disgusted by Sammy, two of the would-be cheerleaders quit on the spot, and Mary Jo refuses on the grounds that they’re related. She tries to threaten her way onto the squad, but that doesn’t work either. To everyone else’s horror, she actually makes out with her brother. I think someone’s going to need therapy.
Coach Daniels now has no idea who his starting quarterback is. Radon threatens to quit, until Daniels points out that he has nowhere else to go. Alex, realizing what’s just happened, tries to claim he’s not a starter but it’s too late. Radon (who still can’t get Alex’s name right) challenges Alex to a duel. As in the old-fashioned kind with firearms. Thad thinks this is hilarious, while Alex has a major panic attack and tries to plead for his life. “No one’s running anything if one of us gets shot,” he says, while Thad’s contribution is the classic, “Somebody shoot somebody! I’m not leaving until somebody gets hurt.” Radon tells Alex they’re cool, but shoots him in the foot anyway, “just in case.”
While Alex is still in shock that he’s been shot in the first place, Radon walks off, calling the police to request an ambulance. The shooter, he says, is an “unidentified black male.” That’ll keep the cops busy, and he knows there’s not a thing Alex can do about it, either. In retrospect, I’m kind of glad I spent all my time in college studying. At least no one ever shot me.
For more Blue Mountain State coverage, you can check out my exclusive interview with Alex Moran himself, Darin Brooks. I’ll see you back here Thursday for the rundown of episode two. Until then, I’m off to warm up my throwing arm.