“Booth and Bones go to the Rink” begins at an ice arena. Isn’t that redundant? Ice arena? Are there other kinds? It’s kind of like specifying ice hockey. Obviously hockey is on ice. If it’s not, then you specify: street hockey, road hockey, sponge hockey. I digress. Bones, Sweets and Cam are at the ice arena watching Booth play ice hockey.
Booth is either a forward or a winger, but either way, he’s an enforcer (the big brute.) One of his team-mates is checked hard and Booth retaliates, telling the opposing player (who I think is named Carlson, but I’m not sure as IMDB has mixed up the episode information) to lay off of Wendell. Wendell Who? Anyway, Booth gets slapped with a two-minute penalty for charging and heads to the penalty box. Bones calls it the “disciplinary box”. That’s cute. Then Wendell Who gets the puck and Bones gets all excited because he might get a “basket.” Okay, the cute is wearing off fast.
Booth gets out of the box just in time to see Carlson go after Wendell Who again. Wendell Who loses his helmet. Oh, Wendell Who is the cute blonde intern who thought that Dr. Brennan wanted to use him for cougar-bait during his first stint at the Jeffersonian. Hi, Wendell! Booth drops his gloves and starts wailing on Carlson. As he beats the living bejesus out of the volunteer firefighter, we see an extreme close-up of Carlson’s tacky crossed hockey stick pendant. Booth wins but ends up with a game misconduct. He also breaks his hand when he punched Carlson in the helmet. Yes, punching a guy in the helmet with your bare hands is a hockey thing. No, I don’t know why. Yes, I’m serious. Look, I won’t ask why a quarterback plays grab-ass with the guy hiking the ball and you trust me on the hockey stuff, okay? Deal.
One month later on a frozen slab of water somewhere, Dad is teaching Son all the rituals of ice fishing (see – here you need the “ice” modifier.) To start off, Son, here’s your first beer. Cool! Thanks, Dad! Now Dad explains how to use the auger, which probably should have come before the beer. Anyway, Son, drilling must be done safely, and he’s not just talking about ice augers. Be safe. Don’t let the ice crack or catch a disease when you are drilling. To be clear, it’s a double-entendre for sex. And there are a lot of them.
The auger chews up the ice until it starts spewing red slush which does not make me crave a cherry Slurpee at all, no sir. Dad sweeps away the loose snow away from the hole. Shame on you, Dad, you are supposed to shovel before setting up the shack. Once he removes the snow, he looks through the glass-smooth crystal-clear ice to see a frozen bloated corpse that is wearing a tacky crossed hockey stick pendant.
Let’s find out who put this guy on ice. Why, Horatio Caine, where did you come from? Actually, Bones says, “Let’s get this popsicle back to the lab.” I like mine better.
Booth recuses himself since he is a potential suspect after beating the bejesus of Carlson just before he disappeared. Pretty Special Agent Payton Perotta is assigned to work on the case.
Back in the lab, the squints deduce that the popsicle suffered from decomp for about five days prior to freezing. Wendell says that he should be a suspect too; he’s the one who got trounced. Wendell, it’s cute that you want to be tough but you have to work your way up to enforcer level. Besides, he’s alibied because he was seeing double and was being taken care of by his mommy.
Payton does a half-assed job questioning Booth in an interview room. She obviously knows nothing about hockey because she doesn’t have a clue that trash talking is left on the ice (unless you are Sean Avery). Eventually she asks him straight out if he killed Pete Carlson and dumped his body in the lake. “No, I did not,” Booth avows.
Payton then cocks her head to the side and says in a deep baritone, “Tell me about you fadder, Herr Booth. Haf you issues with him?” Booth politely excuses himself. At this point it must be noted that Sweets has no survival instincts at all, because if he did, he would be running about now. Booth bursts into the watching room on the other side of the two way mirror. He accuses Sweets of using this interview to study him for reasons not involved with the case. Sweets admits it because he’s feeling very suicidal today and because he wants to know about Booth’s feelings towards his father. Sweets then asks if he is picking up unresolved sexual tension between Booth and Agent Perrota. In a very witty response, Booth asks how he could possibly know what Sweets is picking up. Point and match to Booth.
Booth returns to the interview room and asks Payton if *she* has any more questions for him. She pulls an earpiece out of her ear and says “no.” He’s free to go, but he’s still not on the case.
Payton, Bones and Booth go check out Carlson’s apartment. Carlson was behind on the rent and on his bills. His landlady was the one who gave him the necklace. She also gave him $2000 because if a man borrows money, it’s a sign of trust and indicates you have a relationship. It seems like this special relationship does not extend to her feeding his fish, though, because they are all dead. That is just too sad for words, lady. She also informs the crime-fighters that somebody slashed Carlson’s tires days before his death.
Meanwhile, back at the lab, they have confirmed that Carlson was killed by a projectile through his left eye, but there is no residue or sign of bullet fragments. There is some babble about comparing hockey players to gladiators and how the dominance stimulates part of the brain that is involved in choosing a mate lest we forget that there is unresolved sexual tension between Booth and Bones. Hodgins has evidence that Carlson was killed at a rink and then dropped in the lake, but Wendell beats him to the punch line. Hodgins, this is two weeks in a row that the interns have stolen your limelight. Get on that. Bones comments that she finds it interesting that all the evidence keeps pointing towards Booth. I find it interesting that after four years Bones is still a twit.
The crime-fighters interview Carlson’s team-mates who inform them that Carlson got into it at the next game with a state trooper named Herron (Red Herron?) but they kept it on the ice because that’s what hockey players do. They also give Booth a lead on Carlson’s girlfriend. They warn Booth that Chloe is a puck bunny. Excellent lingo use, show!
Chloe is the jealous type who denies that her boyfriend would ever sample from another menu if he had a dish like her around but admits that she slashed his tires because she suspected he was going off the Chloe-diet. She’s pretty but not the sharpest knife in the drawer. She does, however, offer up another lead. “Look for Albie, the Nathan Detroit of the rec hockey league. Albie runs the local poker game and he is the reason that Carlson is always broke.”
Meanwhile, back at the lab, Bones helps the squints with some anomalies. It seems that Carlson was struck repeatedly by something like a hockey stick but it didn’t happen during the game because the padding would have cushioned the blows. That theory works in theory but as someone who has never dated a hockey player let me say that bones still break. You aren’t a real hockey player unless you’ve broken something, gotten a scar or lost some teeth.
Booth and Payton track down the mysterious Albie to a Chinese restaurant, where they break into a back-room poker game with their weapons drawn without backup. Payton, you can be that dumb. Booth, I’m embarrassed for you. Anyway, it turns out that Albie is not a man. She is very helpful and smart and witty and is welcome back on the show anytime as far as I am concerned because her character could easily pop up on another episode. She says that it’s bad business to kill people who owe you money and, besides, Carlson paid up with an expensive watch, which she hands over for evidence.
Bones rejoins the agents at the rink and they look for a puddle of blood on the ice. Rather than use an itty-bitty black light, Booth MacGyvers a black light to shine off the glitter ball that hangs over the ice. I realize that no self-respecting arena would have a mirrored disco ball above a hockey rink. Just go with it. Anyway, they discover a big honking blood puddle and smear where the body was dragged off the ice.
Meanwhile, back at the lab, the squints have melted all the ice taken from the rink and the scrapings from the zamboni. Aw, they didn’t actually show the zamboni. I want to drive one someday. All they found was a tooth frozen in the ice and a lot of diluted blood which they have to type.
Hodgins is also studying the pictures from Carlson’s apartment. He says he imagines the fish died because they weren’t fed for three weeks. Wendell says that the fish would have eaten each other; they wouldn’t have all died at once. Oh, goodie, the squints get to go on a field trip. They go to Carlson’s digs and take the dead fish as evidence.
Sweets is still being a jerk and he refuses to sign the form to allow Booth back on the ice because Booth won’t answer his questions about his alcoholic father and his violent childhood. He proposes that Booth’s love of violence is why he joined the military and FBI and why he plays hockey; it has nothing to do with the team thing at all. The lovely Miss Julian kicks Sweets’ ass and gets him in gear. As Booth leaves, he tells Sweets that he may have killed in the past but he’s not a murderer. He’s not violent like his dad.
Payton contributes to the investigation by discovering that Carlson called Red Herron the state trooper in the days before his death. It’s not enough for Miss Julian to get a warrant, but there is more than one way to get blood DNA samples from a stone, er, hockey player.
That night at the rink, Booth saws off his own cast so he can get back on the ice. Yes, a hockey player will do that. Trust me on this – we have a deal, remember. Booth and Wendell have a plan. Booth will make all the other players bleed and Wendell will collect the samples.
I didn’t say it was a good plan.
Booth proceeds to check, trip, punch and shove every player on the opposing team. Wendell chases after him getting blood smears. Booth has gotten everyone except Herron, who is the other team’s enforcer. Herron gets upset that Booth is systematically taking out his team-mates, and he cross-checks Booth hard. Booth goes flying one way, his helmet goes the other way, and his head bounces off the ice when he falls. TWO MINUTES FOR CROSS-CHECKING, RED HERRON! GAME MISCONDUCT! SUSPENDED FOR THE REST OF THE SEASON! Quite possibly criminal charges if they find out you are related to Todd Bertuzzi. And I’m telling your mother!
Booth regains consciousness to be greeted by Luc Robitaille. This next scene has nothing whatsoever to do with anything. All you need to know is that Mr. Boreanaz is a huge hockey fan and Lucky Luc is a great player and the episode gives him a legitimate reason to play some one-on-one with the former L.A. King and get paid for it. Luc is a symbol of his subconscious and provides two pieces of advice. “Hockey is about the team, look to the team, Booth.” And “You are not your father,” Luc says. It’s all very Star Wars.
Booth wakes up with a concussion and killer headache but it’s worth it because Wendell got the sample. And, hey, Luc Robitaille.
Meanwhile, back at the lab, Hodgins and Angela, who actually *have* unresolved sexual tension, have an awkward post-relationship conversation. Angela is still with Roxy but that doesn’t stop her from being jealous that Hodgins is dating again. Hodgins realizes that the fish were killed by ammonia. Wow, short scene. He and Wendell return to the apartment and find a ton of jewelry hidden in the fish tank gravel.
Long story short, it turns out the jewelry was reported destroyed in a fire and Carlson was one of the volunteer fire fighters who worked that fire. Carlson stole the discovered jewelry (as well as the watch he gave Albie), cleaned the soot off with ammonia and hid it all in his fish tank. His fellow fire fighters realized that Carlson was a thief and one of them confronted him about breaking the fire fighters code. Carlson refused to cough up the stolen goods, so his buddy beat him with a stick and then rammed a lace puller through his eye. End of mystery.
But we have one scene left. Booth and Bones return to the rink for an after-hours skate. Not a euphemism for sex, by the way. Bones may rule at the high-wire but she doesn’t skate much. Toe-pick! They hold hands and skate around for a while. Bones wants to know what Lucky Luciano said to Booth. Booth explains that his hallucination is not an opera singer. Hello? Opera singer? Lucky Luciano was one of the most notorious mobsters of the 20th century. That’s it, Booth, hand over your badge right now. I’ve had enough. Bones promises Booth he is nothing like is father. She is a little concerned about his new partner though. Booth tells her not to worry, nothing changes. “Oh, everything changes, Booth,” says she. Like perhaps the status of their unresolved sexual tension? Tune in next time.
Which, by the way, looks to be in two weeks. But check back next Thursday anyway and I’ll try to have something here for you.