Recently, for science, I decided to watch the first few episodes of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo to see what millions of people were willingly subjecting themselves to each week. The results have seared my eyes, ears and soul, possibly permanently.
In short, the show is a spin-off of a Toddler’s and Tiara’s contestant (formerly the worst thing on TV) and follows an overweight people from the deep south who act out the worst stereotypes of the culture. Their english is so redneck-ified they need subtitles and they collective way more than the house they live in.
The experience is one that left me deeply, profoundly sad. So much so that I actually went through the traditional five stages of grief. I recorded my experience below:
“There’s no way this can be real. They’re actors, right? People like this simply cannot exist in the world, it’s just not possible. We should give them all Emmys for their powerful portrayal of everything that’s wrong with America.”
“This is for REAL? THESE PEOPLE ARE EVERYTHING WRONG WITH AMERICA! How can you feed your kids cheeseballs in the morning for breakfast? How can you have two kids by the time you’re 17, and not teach your OWN 17 year old daughter about proper birth control? TOO LATE SHE’S PREGNANT.”
“TLC, I’ll make you a deal. If you start airing shows that actually cause me to learn something other than ‘being a waste of life can get your own TV show,’ I will personally acquire a Nielsen box and leave your channel on 24/7 to boost your ratings. Sound good?
“This is our future. We’re only a few years away from total Idiocracy now. It’s one thing if people like this exist in the country, it’s another if we’re all watching them by the millions every night and making them into celebrities. At least the Jersey Shore apocalypse came with muscles and boobs. I’ve seen enough flab on this show for an entire lifetime.”
“Damn, I really hope Honey Boo Boo wins this pageant. She’s worked really hard for it.”