The 20 Best House Quotes of All Time

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House has been off the air for a number of years now, leaving FOX without one of its major hits, yet its legacy lives on in the form of binge watching forever, and the show will be making viewers laugh and cry for years to come. It’s hard to think of many TV characters as memorable as Dr. Gregory House, and over the years he had so many great lines that I thought it would be wise to compile some of his best ones here. He’s often hilarious, sometimes mean, and occasionally quite poignant, and succeeded as a combination of Hugh Laurie’s amazing talent and the rather good scripts written for him week to week.

Here are some of Dr. House’s best quotes, though I would love to hear your favorites if there are any I’ve missed below. These are my favorite House quotes:

“There is not a thin line between love and hate. There is – in fact – a Great Wall of China with armed sentries posted every 20 feet between love and hate.”

“So what’s your plan? You take the big dark one, I’ll take the little girl, and the Aussie will run like a scared wombat if things get tough.”

“Treating illness is why we became doctors. Treating patients is actually what makes most doctors miserable.”

“You talk to God, you’re religious; God talks to you, you’re psychotic.”

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“It’s one of the great tragedies of life — something always changes.”

“You think your dad wants to kill you because you’re so ugly? Be grateful, anywhere else in the animal kingdom, your parents would’ve eaten you at birth.”

“You’ve never seen an after school special? Dawson’s Creek? How do you get to thirty and not know about condoms?”

“I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m about to drive into a tunnel in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.”

“I need a script for sleeping pills. Neighbor’s dog has been keeping me awake, and is strangely invulnerable to poison.”

“You ever notice all of the self-sacrificing women in history, Joan of Arc, Mother Theresa…can’t think of any others, they all die alone. Men, on the other hand, get so much tang it’s crazy.”

“Are you comparing me to God? I mean, it’s great, but so you know, I’ve never made a tree.”

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“Two guys go into a bar and one has significant losses in the upper right quadrant of his visual field. And the other guy says, ‘You’re gonna need an MRI to confirm the type and location of the tumor.'”

“It’s a basic truth of the human condition that everybody lies. The only variable is about what.”

“How come God gets credit whenever something good happens? Where was he when her heart stopped?”

“I need a script for sleeping pills. Neighbor’s dog has been keeping me awake, and is strangely invulnerable to poison.”

“People don’t get what they deserve. They just get what they get, and there’s nothing any of us can do about it.”

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“Pretty much all the drugs I prescribe are addictive and dangerous.”

“Half the people I save don’t deserve a second chance.”

“Almost dying changes nothing. Dying changes everything”

“Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I’m Doctor Gregory House; you can call me “Greg.” I’m one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning. This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she’s much too busy to deal with you. I am a board certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor employed at this hospital who is forced to be here against his will. That is true, isn’t it? But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you are particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this: this is Vicodin. It’s mine! You can’t have any. And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem… but who knows? Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m too stoned to tell. So, who wants me?”

Any you want to add? I’d love to hear them.

[Photos via FOX]

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