Jon and Kate Plus 8

Re: Douche-baggery and greed

[Author’s Note: The idea for this series of articles stemmed from a question I wanted to ask James Cameron, which stemmed from a debate I was having with a co-worker.  Then I remembered that I had the power of the internet at my fingertips and decided to put this out there.  The purpose of these articles is to write about questions I’d like to ask actors, directors, famous people, reality stars, characters in movies/television shows or, in some cases, to rant about any of these people.  The question for Cameron will be asked…one day.  Until then, here’s my first one-sided conversation with Jon and Kate Gosselin].

Kate, Jon, how nice that we could get the two of you in the same room together.  And how nice that neither of you are reaching for sharp weapons.  Kate, let’s start with you, shall we?  I have to admit, I don’t watch your show.  Frankly, reality TV bores me.  And it makes celebrities out of people who really shouldn’t be famous, but that’s all beside the point.  The real point is that you always came off as a bit of a b*tch.  Sure, caring and providing for 8 children isn’t easy and I’m sure it costs a lot of money, but do you really have to expose your children to cameras and being followed around on a daily basis in order to make a buck?  Your personality seemed abrasive and harsh.  You always appeared to be criticizing your husband or endlessly pursuing fame and riches.  Then rumours surfaced of your feelings of entitlement, Kate, and diva-like actions.  Pretty shameful and really not all that justified.

Then news broke that you and your husband were separating and you made some statement that “the show must go on”.  Wow.  That’s pretty selfish and callous, isn’t it?  You want to subject your kids to the public humiliation of watching their parents’ marriage  dissolve on television and then putting them in the middle of it?  Do you ever stop to think what might happen 10 years from now when your kids google your name and read the kind of nonsense that’s being spread around the internet?  I hope all that money your family has made will be enough to pay for the massive therapy bills you’re sure to have.

Somewhere along the way, however, I started having my doubts about the depth of your greed.  Or, at the very least, I started abhorring you a little bit less.  You know why?  Because of your husband.  So, Jon, let’s move onto you.

Dude, seriously, you’re a douche-bag.  And I make this statement even after being friends with a couple of douche-bags.  But you really take top prize.  So there was the rumour that both you and your wife were cheating on each other.  I honestly don’t know if Kate was sleeping with the bodyguard, but you sure seemed to have moved on rather quickly.  This Hailey girl you’re seeing is being whined and dined along the French Riviera and being splashed across the pages of every tabloid magazine in North America.  It’s sick, man.  What the hell’s the matter with you?

Yeah, having 8 kids is a hell of a responsibility and it didn’t seem like your wife was a big ball of fun to live with, but that doesn’t give you carte blanche to now walk in and out of your kids’ lives when it suits you and to parade your mistress (or new girlfriend or whatever) in front of the national media.  You’re a father.  You have responsibilities.  Just because you’re getting a divorce doesn’t mean you can act like a totally selfish jerk.  Why don’t you step up and be a man?

Also, hanging out with Michael Lohan was probably the worst idea you’ve ever had (and that’s saying something).  He’s a celebrity-seeking fame-wh*re.  Are these really the type of people you want to be associated with?

And on top of all this, Jon, you’re actually making me feel pity for your wife because, unlike you, she actually seems to be fulfilling her responsibility as a parent.  I have no idea whether she’s still doing all this for fame and money, but at least she’s taking care of the kids while you’re prancing around yachts and dropping cash like it’s going out of style.

To sum up, I think Jon needs to stop having his little mid-life crisis and start being a father again and the both of you need to step out of the limelight and deal with your marriage and your family in a private manner that doesn’t expose your children to ridicule and pity.  So, I’m glad we had this little talk.  Don’t worry, I’ll see myself out.

[AN: Do you have a question you’d like to ask a real person or character on television?  Or something to rant about?  If you do, email me at clarissa @ tvovermind.com.  If I agree, and can turn it into 500 words or more, I’ll profile it on this site]