Modern Family

If you missed last week's lunar inspired episode of Modern Family, check out a recap here.

"My Funky Valentine" opens, aptly, on Valentine's Day.  At the Dunphy home, Claire and Phil exchange sweet cards.  Phil informs Claire that he has made their annual (for the last 17 years!) reservation at Fratelli's.  Phil can't hide his excitement, "Hello cannoli canoe!"  At their home, Jay compliments Gloria on her choice of a new track jacket for him, and gives her a beautiful set of earrings.  But Jay has another surprise for her.  Is it salsa dancing like Gloria has been asking for?  Nope.  It's tickets to see legendary comic David Brenner!  Gloria's not so sure she wants to go see someone just tell jokes.  Jay informs her that he doesn't tell jokes.  Brenner's an observational comic.  Gloria asks if he at least has a mallet.  When Jay answers in the negative, Gloria is dumbfounded, "How does he get hit in the head if he doesn't have a mallet?  Jay explains that he and Gloria come from different generations.  Jay jokes that Gloria thinks Simon and Garfunkel are Jay's lawyers.  When Gloria says she doesn't get the joke, Jay deadpans "Maybe she'd get it if I had a mallet."  "I wish I had a mallet right now!" Gloria retorts.  At the Tucker-Pritchett home, Mitchell is preparing his closing remarks for a big case.  Cameron enters and wishes him a Happy Valentine's Day.  When Mitchell doesn't look up, he says Happy Valentine's Day for Lily.  Mitchell finally looks up to see Lily dressed up as Cupid, complete with large feather wings.  Cameron sees that Mitchell is unimpressed.  "I spent a lot of time on this," Cameron tells Mitchell.  "I don't see how.  You just cut up one of your feather boas," Mitchell replies.  Mitchell apologizes for his attitude; he's just very nervous about the case.  Plus, it's not like Lily's costume is unique -- Cameron dresses her up for every holiday.  In fact, the last time Mitchell gave Lily a bath, she still had a little bit of Martin Luther King Day behind her ears.

The doorbell rings at Casa Dunphy.  Claire opens the door to find Dylan with a large gift for Haley.  But first, he gives Claire a rose, stating, "All women should look as tasty as you when they're old."  Haley bounds downstairs and gets rather excited about her gift, "Yay!  It's big!"  She unwraps the gift to reveal a painting of she and a topless Dylan lying together on a bed.  Claire, stunned, tells Dylan she didn't know he was an artist.  Oh, he's not.  He just used a computer program that turns a photograph into a painting.  Haley suggests she and Dylan go hang the painting above her bed.  A horrified Claire insists there is no need for the two of them to be in the bedroom...at all.  All Phil is concerned with, however, is whether Dylan's gift has trumped the one he gave Claire.  Phil hand selected a card, drew a heart in the steam on the medicine cabinet mirror and made their annual Fratelli's reservation....yeah, Dylan trumped him.  Phil won't let the teenager get one over on him though.  He asks Claire whether they should scrap the Fratelli's plans and instead go to a hotel for the night.  Claire is intrigued by this idea.  "I think you're not getting any sleep tonight, so take a nap at work," she coos to her husband.  "I always do," Phil replies.  As Phil leaves for work, Claire stops him.  Since they're going to act a little "naughty" this evening, what about if they tried a little role playing, and Phil picks her up in the hotel bar?  Although he's concerned that Claire will be waking a "sexy sweet giant," Phil agrees, and immediately tries on some characters (with, of course, corresponding stereotypical accents).  Like, Reginald Applebee, an English gentleman in town for a polo match.  Or what about an honorable businessman from Hong Kong.  Claire suggests he just show up at the bar as someone close to himself.  "It's not a big deal, but I train tigers for a living," Phil attempts once more, with his best (worst?) Siegfried and/or Roy impression.  "Now you're just ruining it," Claire informs him as Phil hurriedly shuts the front door.

Mitchell comes home from work, slips and nearly kills himself as he comes in his front door.  It seems Cameron has another Valentine's Day surprise and left a bed of rose petals on the floor.  Seeing a clearly peeved Mitchell, Cameron asks him what is wrong.  "I had to settle," Mitchel replies.  "Your mom may think so, but a lot of people think I'm a catch," Cameron playfully tries to cheer up his partner.  No, Mitchell's client got scared and settled the case.  He had worked for weeks on his closing argument and because of the settlement, he never got to use it.  He was going to rail against big government's abuse of the common man, and, to conclude, point to the state seal and yell, "Shame!"  "Oh, that's what you were doing in the shower.  I was a little worried," a relieved Cameron retorts.  There's a knock on the door.  Cameron, hoping Mitchell wouldn't mind, had agreed to watch Manny so Jay and Gloria could go out.  That's fine by Mitchell; Manny always makes him laugh, and he could use a good one right about now.  Cameron opens the door to a forlorn Casanova.  "The universe is cold and loveless," Manny laments.  As he pours himself a drink (of sparkling water), Manny tells them his tale of woe.  "I went for the gold.  Fiona Gunderson."  He wrote her a poem and left it at her desk.  He even burned the edges of the paper to make it look fancy!  But Ted Dirkus, a kid in his class, said the poem was from him and took Fiona to the poem's suggested destination, Great Shakes.  Cameron will not allow this to stand.  They are going to go to Great Shakes so Manny can tell Fiona that he was the one who wrote the poem.  Manny's not so sure; Dirkus will be there.  "I've seen the kid to a pull up!"  Manny worries.  He shouldn't though.  Cameron explains that Valentine's Day is the day you wrestle love, tie it up and take it home.  Manny and Fiona will be enjoying a milkshake with two straws before he knows it.  "I like it," Manny replies.  The mission is on.

With Gloria and Jay enjoying the comedic stylings of David Brenner, Claire waits in a hotel bar.  Up walks Phil...no, Clive Bixby (he even has a name-tag to prove it).  Claire introduces herself as Julianna, and asks if Clive is there for work, or whether he just forgets his name a lot.  "Oooh, pretty kitty has nails!  I like that."  Clive explains that he is in town for a trade show.  "I design high-end electro-acoustic transducers."  "Well, that is very...specific," Julianna replies.  "That's just a fancy way to say I get things to make noise," Clive purrs.  "So, what's your story?  Miss America pageant in town?"  "You're a pretty smooth talker, Clive," Julianna coos.  "I'm pretty smooth all over," Clive responds while trying to light a cigarette.  He is quickly reprimanded by a waitress; smoking is not allowed.  "No, I'm not smok....," Phil stutters.  Recovering, Clive warns Julianna that he is married to a very beautiful woman.  If she's so beautiful, why is he here then?  "Because she's always so tired and giving me lists of things to do."  This clearly hits a nerve with Julianna.  "Maybe if you did them, she wouldn't be so tired."  "No, she can make lists for days," Clive tells her.  Claire can't take it anymore and yells at Phil.  No, no, no.  Phil isn't talking about Claire; he's just in character.  They start over.  Julianna asks Clive why he's there if he's married.  "I respect her too much to do the things to her that I'm going to do to you?" Clive/Phil asks.  "Jackpot!" Julianna replies.  She tells him to wait in the bar; she'll be right back.