Modern Family

Believe it or not, it has been a long three weeks since we last saw the funniest families on TV.  If you don't remember the last episode, "My Funky Valentine," check out a recap here.

Everyone is afraid of something, and this week's episode, "Fears," looks into what spooks the Dunphy and Pritchett families.  For Alex, it's global warming...and getting a B.  Claire is afraid of the phone ringing in the middle of the night.  Phil, perhaps confused where he is, says "being too much of a perfectionist."  "This isn't a job interview," Claire tells her husband.  "Oh," Phil sighs with understanding, "oh man, job interviews!" he finally responds to the question.  Jay insists he isn't afraid of anything, until he's reminded by Gloria of his fear of pigeons.  Well, they're shifty, Jay explains.  Cameron is scared of losing Mitchell, but is disappointed when Mitchell doesn't reciprocate and responds, "Hotel bedspreads."  Haley is afraid she'll never get her driver's license, or even worse, having a license picture that sucks.  Finally, and of course, Manny is afraid of dying alone. 

It appears Haley should be afraid of not getting her license: she's failed her test twice already, and if today she fails for a third time, she'll need to have Claire drive her around for six more months.  One would think Claire has seen a ghost as she flashes to the last time she drove Haley:  with a friend in the back-seat, Haley animatedly told her friend a story, throwing the word "like" into the conversation every three words.  Each time, Claire yelled "Like!" back at her, to the point the two just started screaming incoherently at each other.  That is certainly a situation Claire does not want to be in again.  When Alex brings Haley her jacket, and Haley flips out on her, Claire tells Alex to not mind Haley's outbursts; Haley can't focus on two things at once.  "Always a good quality for a driver," Alex sarcastically points out.  Claire, ignoring Alex's slight against her sister, tells her younger daughter that she will take Alex to buy new shoes for her school dance after Haley's test.  Alex says she's not going because dances are stupid, but before Claire can get to the root of why Alex really doesn't want to go, Phil enters the kitchen in a jumpsuit.  "Ready to go down under, mate?" he asks Luke in a ludicrous Australian accent.  Phil and Luke are going "tray-shure hahn-ting" under the house.  When the cable guy was leaving the other day, he told Haley, "You've got quite a collection down there," and since Phil had no idea what the guy was talking about, he figured there must be some booty hidden under the house (yes, pun intended by me).  The boys start theorizing what treasures might be found: necklaces made out of animal teeth, expensive bottles of wine, ancient Indian arrowheads, gold bars..."Why don't you just go look under the house?" a clearly annoyed Claire finally interjects, and sends the "men" of her family off.

Mitchell is cleaning up his house and picks up one of Lily's dolls.  He wonders why their lesbian friends gave Lily such a "frilly" doll.  Cameron admonishes him for playing into stereotypes.  Mitchell apologizes and asks if the women had brought back the coffee maker they borrowed.  Cameron says no -- they couldn't fit it on their motorcycle.  Cameron and Mitchell are cleaning because they are having Lily's pediatrician, Dr. Miyora, over for lunch.  Cameron wants to make sure that if a flu outbreak happens, they are in good with the doctor so Lily can get her medicine first.  Mitchell thinks Cameron is nuts.  Then why does the dentist give Cameron a bunch of free stuff?  "Because he's a big queen and he has a crush on you," Mitchell explains.  A clearly flattered Cameron responds, "Really?  You think so?"  At the Pritchett home, Manny tells his mother that he can't go to a party because he has a fever.  Gloria feels his head, and he's perfectly fine.  She knows why he doesn't want to go to the party: Manny is afraid of roller coasters.  She confides that she can't understand why Manny is scared; his father isn't scared of anything.  Well, Jay can think of one thing, "Go out to dinner with him and wait until the check comes.  Then you'll see fear in his eyes.  Like the waiter is a ghost!" 

Back at the Dunphy's, Phil and Luke are preparing to enter the hole under the house.  Phil feels like they are Ponce de Leon and son.  Luke points out that Ponce is a funny name and that if he went to Luke's school, Ponce would be called "Pants."  An amused Phil continues, "Fancy Ponce!"  Ah, father-son bonding.  Phil explains to the camera that a parent should never want the kids to see him or her scared.  A parent needs to be like a rock in the ocean the kids can hang on to.  But rocks sink, Phil realizes, so parents need to be like a floating rock.  That's not right either.  "OK, say it's windy and there are a lot of papers...," he trails off.  When Phil looks under the house, there is a squeak.  Phil shrieks and recoils.  This is a job for goggles and barbecue tools.  Dr. Miyora has arrived and is playing with Lily.  Cameron compliments the doctor on her figure and how nice it is to see her out of her white coat.  "We're trying to make a friend, not initiate a three-way," Mitchell warns Cameron.  Dr. Miyora comments that Lily is a perfect child.  Cameron is relieved that the doctor will be a "friend through good times...and flu season."  Then the worst possible thing happens: Lily says, "Mommy."  With a clearly distraught Cameron beside him, Mitchell exclaims to the camera, "It's the 'first word' of every gay father's nightmare!"

Meanwhile, Gloria wants to take Manny out so he'll forget the party.  Jay says he should have known Manny was scared of roller coasters, "He gets dizzy at the the barber shop when he's spun toward the mirror."  Gloria suggests to Manny that they go fishing.  An elated Manny agrees, "There's no place I'm more at home than..."  "Just get your coat," Jay says to cut off another of his stepson's Romantic soliloquies.  At the DMV, Alex pesters her sister by asking Haley is she's nervous for her driver's test.  Haley doesn't need Alex to make her more nervous as she's ready to jump out of her skin, especially when she sees the examiner that failed her last time.  He sees hundreds of teenagers a day, he probably doesn't remember Haley, Claire reassures.  "Let's move it 'Two Strikes,'" the examiner bellows.  I guess he does remember Haley.  Back at home, Phil is rigging Luke's remote control truck with a video camera and lights.  "Are you scared to go in?" Luke asks his dad.  "No, why?"  "You screamed a little."  "I told you, that was the house settling," Phil covers.  Luke wonders how Phil is going to be able to control the truck if he can't see where it's going.  Not to worry, Phil is going to "get all Jedi on it."  Of course, he gets the truck stuck immediately.

Mitchell and Cameron, clearly still shocked, are eating lunch with Dr. Miyora.  She comments on how good the meal is.  "It's a recipe from the now defunct Gourmet magazine.  Why do all the things I love go away?" Cameron whimpers and gestures toward Lily.  As he begins to freak out and cry, Cameron wonders if they're not providing Lily with sufficient feminine energy.  "I wouldn't worry about that," Dr. Miyora retorts to the blubbering Cameron.  "You know it's because you're Asian, right?  Should we ignore the giant panda in the room?" the previously politically correct Cameron charges.  "Pandas are from China, and...it doesn't matter," the doctor calmly responds.  She's not concerned with what Lily said; she probably just strung together a couple of syllables that sounded like "mommy."  This calms the men, until Lily speaks again.  "Mommy!"  Cameron is now inconsolable, "She's made her choice!"