This week it's the day of the bachelor/bachelorette parties. The boys go fishing and find something better than sockeye, and the girls just wanna have psychic fun. But someone's going to come down with a terminal case of late, who's it gonna be?

Previously: Uncle Marty had charisma, pills, a gun and a bag full of cash. Then he had a problem keeping his bottom half attached to his top half. Hunter had a sweetheart deal with Wellington to win Trish back, then he had a sweeter deal to just leave. Then he had a boat with Uncle Marty's cash on board...and a shotgun blast to the face.

The dead: Cousin Ben (never seen), Uncle Marty, the preacher, Kelly, Lucy, Hunter…and yeah, Cal and Chloe still live, but at least they're getting more tolerable...I hope. After this episode, I have serious doubts about Cal.

The drinking game: Wondering where the dead people are, and anytime someone's showing some skin. (You didn't think I was letting this go, did you?)

After our obligatory opening shots of island porn we open on the accoutrement of the psychic Karena, who Shea has hired to entertain at Trish's bachelorette party. Checking up on things, Shea and Karena talk while creepy little Madison zeroes in on the tarot deck.

Like you're even surprised.

Shea tries to apologize, but Karena waves her off, deciding it's time to help Madison get a little creepier. "They look magical." Karena nods and tells the little girl that the cards tell her things about people. "I know things about people." Pointing to The Tower, creepy little Madison asks if it means that people are going to die. Karena just looks enigmatic, I shout, "Hell, yeah!" at the screen. And oh, hey, let's add to the liver damage - Creepy kid is creepy? Drink. This first one's on me.

At The Cannery, Nikki and Abby are chatting about the getting gifts for the uber-rich. Abby's asked Nikki for a secret recipe and she's flipping through a scrapbook, stuffed with memorabilia about Trish and Henry. They switch when Nikki passes over the recipe and she begins flipping though the book, looking at the pictures that Abby's painstakingly put together. Thanking Nikki for the now, not-so-secret recipe, Abby takes the book and heads to the newspaper office to pick up an article she needs to finish her masterpiece before the bachelorette party. Ruefully, Nikki tells Abby that she should come to The Cannery for the bachelor party instead. That actually sounds like a good idea to Abby so she half-seriously asks if Nikki needs help, when a familiar voice says he could use a hand.

It's lovelorn Jimmy, hauling a delivery of fresh seafood onto the counter. Both girls just stare and Jimmy smirks at the crate, "Is it because I have crabs?" Nikki looks as disgusted at the joke as I am, and Jimmy gives a "tough room" whistle before an extra comes to take the crate away. Abby just rolls her eyes and smiles at the lovable doof.

Henry's washing up back at the Inn and as he walks out he does a double-take at his fiancee, standing in the room, naked. DRINK! She makes cute about not being able to decide what to wear, but Henry knows better. It's her not-so-subtle reminder to have fun at his bachelor party, but not too much fun. Trish totally does the, "Bachelor party? That's today?" complete with batted eyelash and a "golly-gee I should just get dressed then." Like the entirety of the male viewing audience, that doesn't sit well with Henry so he pulls her to the bed. Like rabbits these two are.

Walking along, Madison asks her mother if spirits are real, if they could be telling Karena bad things. Shea answers that it's all for fun, that it's make-believe, but Madison, pulling the pilfered Tower card from her pocket, doesn't seem convinced. Back inside, Karena's looking at the list of birth dates Shea provided. When she and the camera fix on Abby's name, a drop of blood falls on the card. The spirits have given Karena a bloody nose. Gasp!

…SLICE! Titles, “One by one…”

Outside The Cannery, Jimmy's admitting he has a hidden agenda. "In giving me a ride, or delivering crabs?" Abby asks. He wants to apologize for Shane being a psycho, and Kelly's death. He wants her to enjoy her time back on the island. Abby smirks, then asks him if he really wants her to have fun. That would be the general gist of what he just said, Abby. With a grin, she says, "Let me drive." Jimmy offers up the keys, and they take off.

Sully is greeting the groomsmen, sans Malcolm, to the "big day" and there's back and forth about the wedding day being the big day for the girls and the bachelor party being the big day for the boys. The adorable dork Booth hints at the all-important question, did Sully find a stripper? The answer is a big yes, but Sully adds the caveat that she's a local girl so they shouldn't get their hopes up. He shushes them when Henry walks up, guess the stripper will be a surprise then, and Henry remarks, "This is my party? Three guys and a cooler of beer? You shouldn't have." They didn't and Sully pulls out a box of something and passes it over to Henry. He opens it to a collection of fish heads (eat them up, yum!) and assorted cut-up parts. In other words, bait. Henry's face slowly lights up like a kid in a candy shop.

Apparently he likes to fish. A lot.

Sully says he's rented a boat, Malcolm's finishing his pitch to Wellington, and even poor seasick Booth is coming. And, apparently, Muffin the blow-up-doll.

Through a window a stone-faced Wellington watches, along with Richard and a very nervous Malcolm who's there to pitch his home-brew beer manufacturing to the pair of potential investors. Aside from being really nervous, Malcolm seems to have done his homework, and passes his info to Richard who begins flipping through it. Wellington asks for the bottom line.  Malcolm gives it. "For one hundred-thousand dollars you can be a majority stakeholder in Sacred Turtle beer."

Harper’s Island 1.04 “Bang” Recap

Straight from the land of shiny new laptops (huzzah!) comes more murder, mayhem, and mystery as the Sheriff tries to determine if Kelly's death was indeed an accident, and sweet revenge is had by one of the wedding guests.

Previously: Hunter's on the Island, he's a bad guy, but Wellington's brought him to break up Henry and Trish. Cal got strung up by a hunter's trap and Sully left him there so he could flirt with Chloe. Kelly and Abby bonded over their dead mothers and Abby didn't let Kelly's belief that Wakefield was still alive deter her from offering to let the girl live in LA with her. She also noted that JD an Kelly were sleeping together. Lucy fell in a pit trap and got bar-b-que'd, her dog, Gigi's, fate is unknown. And last, but not least, Kelly was found hanging from a rafter in her home - apparently a suicide. Or was it?

The dead: Cousin Ben (never seen), Uncle Marty, the preacher, Kelly, Lucy...and yet Cal and Chloe still live. I'm trying hard not to be disappointed by the fact.

After our obligatory opening shots of island porn, the camera drifts lightly over the bikini-clad body of Abby, floating in the inn's pool serenely. She looks up and sees Beth who I'd forgotten was on this show except for her pic in the character gallery. she invites Beth in and Beth laughs as the serenity of the moment is completely broken by the gaggle of groomsmen who just took flying leaps into the pool. Shenanigans ensue as the camera begins wandering around, showing Wellington and Katherine sipping champagne and finally settling on Richard, watching Katherine and Wellington sipping champagne from a distant balcony. If you think it sounds creepy, you're probably right.

Henry comes up behind Richard asking him how he can manage to deal with marrying into the Wellington clan. His answer is vague, much like his personality at this point, and mostly revolves around Shea and Madison being happy and well cared-for. When asked about his own happiness he replies, "Well you just...find a way." The camera pans back to Wellington and Katherine, and yes, that falling anvil means it's really on Katherine.

It's time for skeet-shooting with the Wellingtons. Ka-blam! (But not the one we're looking for.) Unsurprisingly, Mr. Wellington is quite adept and Trish cheers her father on, while slyly suggesting that Henry take a shot at "dethroning the king". He looks as though he's considering it as Wellington misses his final shot. He is not amused by this as Henry takes his place.

Meanwhile Madison's in a flowerbed, pulling the blooms off the flowers and tossing them into the brush. She's practicing being the "flower girl", see? Shea tries to tell her to stop, but Richard excuses it, it's not like she has anyone her age to play with. At least she's not burning snails anymore.

As Henry starts setting up, a message is delivered to him. Trish watches as he reads it with a serious expression and she walks up, asking if everything's OK. Anyone with eyes can see it's not, but love is blind and today, so is Trish so she believes him when he shrugs it off. As her father asks if Henry's ready she reminds him that he has a toast to write for that evening, thanking Wellington for his hospitality. Oh, that should be fun. Henry gets set and with a peck on the cheek, Trish cheers him on. He gets in tying distance with Wellington and Richard asks him if he has what it takes. Katherine smirks in his direction and that pair already creep me right the hell out and we haven't even gotten to the "good parts" yet.

In case you didn't see it coming a mile away, Henry chokes, I choose to believe intentionally.

At the local medical center/coroner's office, the Sheriff is asking the local doc to do an autopsy. The Doc's sad, he delivered Kelly, now he has to do her post. As he pulls down the sheet, we see one of her tattoos, it's of The Tree with the words, "John Wakefield, John Wakefield, Come back for me." Creepy, yes, but not as much as this next bit. As the Sheriff and the Doc chat, the Doc checks her eyes. Calling the Sheriff over, the camera gives us a beautiful shot of Kelly's dead face and REALLY blood-red eyes. That? Is not petechial hemmoraging. That? Is the showrunner's deliberate attempt to shake me off. Teeth and eyes, my two weaknesses, but I will not be deterred and that cap will be in the end gallery.

…SLICE! Titles, “One by one…”

Jesus Christ, he's sticking a needle in her eye for a sample! That's NOT FAIR, show. But the camera thankfully cuts away as the doc begins to list off some facts. The red in her eyes is not exactly typical (ya think!?), there's some skin beneath her fingernails (JD's, but you already guessed that, right?), and there is evidence of sexual activity. They are setting JD up so hard for this fall, it's not even funny.

We cut back to pool shenanigans as Chloe and Cal appear, Cal moving a bit awkwardly after spending the majority of the previous day upside-down. Sully can't imagine what she sees in him and Abby helpfully provides the "he's a nice guy" defense. Sully doesn't buy it and swims off to the end of the pool where the C&C Annoyance Factory have arranged themselves. I find it amusing to note that Cal's in slacks and button-down and vest...and Chloe's in a bikini. We're getting a lot of skin in this episode folks. Once there, Sully delivers the most half-assed apology EVER, culminating with the offer to buy Cal a beer. The couple are about as impressed as I am and neither says a word to him as he sloooowly swims away, watching Chloe the entire time. Back with the group, the wedding party is still kidding around when the Sheriff shows up, asking to talk to Abby.

She doesn't look happy, but nods.

Harper’s Island 1.03 “Ka-Blam” Recap

There are not enough words to apologize for the tardiness of this recap, and no excuses save to say that John Wakefield killed my home computer and strung my recaps and screen-shots up in a tree. Like Abby, I am scarred for life. But enough about me, let's get to the corpses.

Another show, another heroine with a voice-over. Oh, dear. At  least this one appears to be in the vein of setting the scene, "Welcome to the island, there's gonna be a wedding, people are gonna to die." as opposed to some of the more philosophical ramblings of one Sarah Connor. And, the powers that be still give us a previously reel. So without further ado:

Previously: Abby returned to the island where her lovesick puppy of an ex was glad to see her. His friend Shane tells him to get over it. Henry's got an estranged brother, JD and he and Uncle Marty are the only family he has. Trish has an ex who's hanging around at Daddy's invitation. Uncle Marty overheard one of their conversations and let Daddy Wellington know that he was onto him...without actually saying it. JD hit on local gal and former girlfriend of Shane's, Kelly. JD and Kelly have tattoos. Shane has fists. Which leads to fisticuffs. Uncle Marty takes a walk across a broken bridge and loses something important...the lower half of his body. And last, but not least, someone leaves a poorly-headlined news article on Abby's bathroom mirror. Got all that?

The dead: Cousin Ben (never seen), Uncle Marty, Too Be Killed....

There's several shots of island porn before we open on Abby, waking up post-news clipping fiasco. She's still in the red dress and she has a chair wedged under her hotel room door. To clear her mind she goes for a run in the woods. She stops to look in wonder at a lone deer in her path. Say it with me, people, awww.

Elsewhere there's a beautiful long shot of a lonely Trish waiting for someone. That someone is Hunter who saunters up sexily with a sultry sway. What can I say? He's easy on the eyes. Trish is not amused and wonders if he just expected her to swoon and fall into his arms again; he had his chance and he blew it. He wonders her what she'll do if he refuses to leave. She looks cagey and says she doesn't want a repeat of college. The way he replies that he's "not worried about Henry" makes me think there's backstory galore to be had with the trio.

Back in the woods, Abby is still entranced by the deer when a bloodied hand clamps over her mouth. It's Jimmy and he whispers in her ear, "This will only take a second." Because we can't kill the heroine this early in the game, I'm rather unsurprised when Abby and the camera look over to see Shane with a hunting bow, taking aim. Abby's not amused so she stomps on Jimmy's foot, causing him to shout which in turn causes Shane to miss. Bambi's mom lives to graze another day. Abby starts right in with a "what the hell" but Jimmy 's actually being reasonable. If they don't cull the herd, they starve in the winter, there's no where for them to go. So Jimmy's trying to make nice, but Shane's an ass and so he randomly tosses Abby's abandonment of all things Island, including Jimmy, in her face. Abby stalks off, Jimmy trying to follow, but she won't have it. She's not judging, she's just seen enough killing on the island.

Elsewhere, there's been a break-in at the local Maritime Museum. The Sheriff looks around and asks the usual questions so we can establish that the break-in happened before Uncle Marty's killing. That's good to know, because the missing item? A head spade would have been perfect to affect his bifurcation.

Shane's bitching his way through the woods stating that he doesn't tell Abby how to live in LA, she shouldn't tell him how to live here. Jimmy points out a) it's not Abby's fault that Shane can't hit a moving target and b) apropos of very little, she's a writer. Long story short, Shane still thinks Jimmy's kissing up to Abby. Luckily they stop dead in their tracks when they get back to the truck. The camera pans over and there's a lovely deer corpse, throat ripped out, splayed over the hood with the word "PSYCHO" written in blood across the windshield. And yes, there's a gore-cap on the last page for you fiends.

From a nearby vantage point, a dark figure watches.

There's water running as Henry walks into JD's room, "You dressed?" he asks as he idly picks up a prescription bottle from the counter. There's quite the selection. JD says no, but after a moment we pan to the bathroom and see that's a lie. Henry's oblivious and playing my new favorite drinking game, "Where's the Dead Guy?" as he asks if JD"s seen Uncle Marty that morning. (DRINK!) The answer is, of course no. Awkwardly, Henry gets to the point of the visit. He'd really appreciate it if JD didn't get in anymore trouble, after all, they're not locals anymore. They never were locals, JD insists, they were "summer guys" and Henry got tolerated because he hung out with Abby. JD didn't have that luck - not that it matters - Henry's the one with a need to be liked, not JD. Henry just wants the week to go well and we all join JD when he says, "Good luck with that."

This is not a subtle show.

Henry pauses a moment and then leaves so the camera can pan back to JD. He turns on the water again so we can pan down to see him furiously scrubbing what looks like blood off his hands. Heh.

...SLICE! Titles, "One by one..."

Harper’s Island 1.02 “Crackle” Recap

Disclaimer: Your recapper has a deep and abiding love for horror, gore, and pretty-pretty corpse porn and CBS does not appear to be holding back as compared to some other TV shows. Descriptions of the deaths will NOT be glossed over for the squeamish, but I will keep the more graphic kill-caps for a last page spread, as opposed to peppering them throughout the recap.

For comparison’s sake, I don’t think we’ll have as much spurting blood as, say, an episode of Supernatural, but the sound effects are squishy and the dead bodies will be on gore-ious display. I’d peg them as on par or a little worse than your nastier CSI-corpses.

You've been warned. Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha! On to the carnage!

Harper's Island 1.01 “Whap” Recap