Yes, I realize the finale of Dancing With the Stars is mere hours away.  In my twisted sense of timing, that makes this the perfect time to make predictions.  I figure if I'm right, the few of you who actually read this prediction will actually remember that I was right.  If I'm wrong, well - what will be new?  I did predict Bristol Palin would be voted off Dancing With the Stars a looooooong time ago after-all, so what do I know? Enough justification, let the self-embarrassment begin:

Third Place - Bristol Palin and Mark Ballas

I think Mark Ballas is terrific, but I won't pull any punches here:  I think casting Bristol Palin was a joke.  No-one would know who Bristol was if she weren't the pregnant teen of a prominent political figure.  If she had not been pregnant during that short window, no-one would remember who she was.  Do you remember the names of Bob Dole's kids? She fails the test for 'star' in my book, even if she does fit the bizarre definition of 'celebrity' that has gelled around the instant global communication. While her mom's political opponents remained surprisingly tasteful about the whole thing, a whole lot of people pointed to Bristol as an ironically timed example of why the Right's stance on birth control doesn't work.  What does any of this have to do with dancing? You ask?  EXACTLY. I answer.

Second Place - Jennifer Grey and Derek Hough

I know, I know - this is just crazy talk, but hear me out.  Actually, what I'm about to say may make you feel a little better if Jennifer does lose.  Jennifer deserves to win, and is a fantastic performer.  A win for Jennifer would surprise no-one.  What I think will happen, though, is that Brandy fans who were obviously very emotional over her loss last week will punish who they saw as Brandy's worthy opponent.  Despite the controversy over whether Bristol or Brandy deserved to stay, Brandy's fans were already charged up to vote against Jennifer.  There's no way those jilted fans will vote for Palin, and given the fresh outrage over the validity of the voting process fans will break - according to my logic - 2:1 for ...

First Place - Kyle Massey and Lacey Schwimmer

Even without a voting irregularity like I described above, Kyle and Lacey emerge in the finale free of conspiracy theory, and free of an air of deserved-ness.  Kyle has exhibited the most enthusiasm, and the least ego all season long.  He's the easy choice for voters still on the fence, and the likely recipient of Brandy votes that were already sworn against Jennifer Grey.

In my picture of the final outlay, Bristol Palin is Ross Perot - she never really had a chance of winning, but she'll split the vote just enough to keep a clear victory away from either serious competitor.  Of course, we won't see that side of things.  All we'll see is someone walking away with that mirror ball.  Tune back in a few hours from now for LIVE results from tonight's Dancing With the Stars.

Dancing With the Stars Championship Prediction

I've been rooting for Jason and Caitlin ever since their Bollywood dance.  When they wound up in the Bottom Three, I thought America was crazy.  But last week's Alien Impregnationdance made me realize something:  I still like them because of their first dance.  When "Jai Ho" started and they nailed their Bollywood, I thought, "wow, they're going to be a force to be reckoned with."  And every week, when they take the stage, my mind instantly goes back to "Jai Ho," I smile, and I forgive them for whatever they do.

But now we're down to the Top 12.  Tonight will be the Top 10.  And after last night's performance, I think it's time to bid a teary-eyed adieu to Jason and Caitlin.  It's not that they can't dance.  It's not that they can't dance well.  It's just that there's twenty other dancers on the show right now that are better than them.  That being said, I wouldn't lose any sleep over losing Kupono and Kayla, either.  And if it wasn't for their amazing Addiction Dance last night, I'd be prepared to say "good-bye" to them.  But they brought it last night.  And as I look at everybody else who's given an awkward or horrific dance to master, I realize that it's Jason and Caitlin who, for this competition, have already peaked.  As I consider what possible dances are still waiting to be unveiled, I can't imagine anything Jason and Caitlin could do being better than their Bollywood dance -- and that's not something I can say for any other dancer on the show right now.  I think everyone else is, can, and will surprise us in the upcoming weeks.

Speaking of deserved good-byes, could we never see Russian folk dance again?  As technical as I'm sure it is, it just doesn't compare to the other dances that are being performed.  How are we supposed to judge that cute cookoo clock dance on the same level as a tango or Wade Robson's jazz routine?  All dances are different, but for this competition, they need to be equal in challenge, concept, and execution.  No-one could have performed that and made it a serious contender for best dance of the evening.

So You Think You Can Dance, Jason and Caitlin?