We open this week’s episode with a double-entendre……Bill has arrived at the vampire queen’s house to find a woman writhing on a bench while the queen’s sucking at…..her femoral artery. What were you people thinking? Down, boys. The queen, played by Evan Rachel Wood, invites Bill to join her.

Hoyt pulls Jessica off his mother and is pissed that Jessica attacked her. Hoyt takes his mother and leaves. Jessica is very very sad.

Back at the queen’s house (which is gorgeous,…

Read: Recap: True Blood 2.11 "Frenzy"

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I feel like I wrote a lot today (see my little foray into shame and internal searching here), so I’m not feeling very chipper right now.  You know who else isn’t feeling chipper?  Eric.  We’re meant to think that Sookie visits him in his hotel room after Godric’s death and then kisses him as he’s crying tears of blood.  We’re meant to think this, but it’s all a dream.

Sookie wakes up in a car with Jason.  The two of…

Read: Recap: True Blood 2.10 "New World in My View"

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We pick up where we left off last episode…..Luke has entered the party at Godric’s house. When Jason goes to greet him, Luke tells him to back off. Luke begins to give his little speech while outside the house, Bill basically tells Lorena to f-off. She whooshes off. Inside the house, Luke detonates the bomb at the same moment that Bill realizes something is wrong with Sookie. He rushes inside the house to find that Eric covered Sookie with…

Read: Recap: True Blood 2.09 "I Will Rise Up"

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Ok…..so…..graphic violence and nudity, here we come. We pick up where we left off: Godric snaps Gabe’s neck and kills him. He tells Sookie she shouldn’t have come and then Eric comes whooshing in. Why do the vampires whoosh on this show? He admonishes Eric for sending weakling humans to save him. Godric tells Eric to am-scray and take Sookie with him.

Ok, Jason and his amazing abs aren’t dead. Sarah says she actually shot him with a paintball (um….okay?).…

Read: Recap: True Blood 2.08 "Timebomb"

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We open with Andy Bellefleur running through the woods, still calling out for that damn pig.  Cut to Sam being held captive at the world’s largest orgy (I’m assuming….because I really have no experience with orgies).  Maryann’s off vibrating in the middle of a circle of undulators (as in, naked people who are undulating around her).  Tara tells Sam to give in and then Andy stumbles upon the naked party and fires off a shot (from his gun….get your…

Read: Recap: True Blood 2.07 "Release Me"

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We open in a bar, where Eric is drinking from a cheap girl (ie. hoochie) and abruptly stops when she calls him “baby”. We see a mysterious woman with a long dress walk by and Eric tells her to wait a moment and dismisses the hoochie. The mysterious woman is Lorena, Bill’s sire/maker. Oh, Eric, did you bring Lorena in to cause a riff between Bill and Sookie in an attempt to get Sookie for yourself? Because if you…

Read: Recap: True Blood 2.06 "Hard-Hearted Hannah"

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So….um….we launch straight into the disgusting part of True Blood immediately. It's like they're not even trying anymore to pretend that this show isn't just some violent porno. We pick up where we left off in the last episode: Vampire Eric tosses away the dismembered arm of the guy he just killed in the basement as Lafayette looks on, horrified.  Eric is just covered in blood, but is mostly concerned about the blood mixing in with the highlights Pam applied. …

Read: Recap: True Blood 2.02 "Keep This Party Going"

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True Blood returns Sunday, June 14 with all new episodes. The promo for the new season of True Blood is full of sexual tension, betrayal, blood, and conspiracy. What more can you want from True Blood season two? Sexy men and women are preparing for another mesmerizing season on HBO. The serial killer storyline has been resolved and the guesses on who the major players will be have been confirmed. Lafayette is the prime candidate for the dead body in Andy Bellefleur's…

Read: "True Blood" really does hurt so good

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