Cooking Ralph Wiggum’s Grilled Crayon Sandwich From The Simpson In Real Life

And we’re back to bingeing with Babish to cook up Ralph Wiggum’s grilled crayon sandwich from the Simpsons. This is pretty unique since Babish is allowing two other guys to act as his hands this time and it’s a harrowing experience when the bread knife come out. Thankfully no digits were severed in the cutting of the bread, and somehow two very well-sliced pieces were produced. From there it’s time to slather both pieces with enough mayo to coat the throat and enough mustard to hopefully make you forget that you’re about to eat a sandwich filled with wax crayons.

From that point it’s time to put an insane amount of brown butter in a skillet and hope that it will drown out the fact that you’re about to eat a Crayola feast of epic proportions. Obviously it won’t work since let’s face it, that many crayons in a sandwich is really going to mess up your gut if you were brave enough to take a full bite. One thing about the crayons when you put them on though, you might want to at least skin them so there’s no chance that you’ll be eating paper, or, well, let’s be honest, more than a bite and you’d be passing a rainbow sometime soon from one end or the other.

Unlike Ralph’s recipe you might want to forego the thumbtacks in favor of a non-perforated tongue, throat, stomach, etc. Save the pain and pass them over the sandwich in a silent homage to Ralph as you continue to make the sandwich. Then, after all the crayons you can reasonably fit between the slices are prepped and ready, plop the sandwich into the skillet and press it hard, so that you get as much cohesion as you can. Chances are the bread will burn before you manage to melt the crayons all the way so you’ll need to flip it at some point, being careful so as not to lose those crayons you’ve so lovingly packed into your delectable sandwich. Cook for long enough to grill the other side and then voila, you have just made Ralph Wiggum’s crayon sandwich. Take a big bite but do yourself a favor and don’t swallow.

Babish has made some interesting dishes but this was one that I was hoping that he’d at least substitute something else for the ‘crayons’ instead of going true to form, and even color coordination, when completing the recipe. I mean come on, there are so many different things he could have used to simulate the crayons in a few different ways at least. And I’m still wondering if perhaps using the arms of someone else and their coordinated efforts were to simulate the as of yet mastered movements of Ralphie himself. Of course maybe it was just something special for the episode. Whatever the case it was pretty funny to watch the guys behind Babish attempting to make a sandwich that only a kid could possibly love, until they took that first bite and realized it wasn’t what they thought it would be.


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