Yes, I realize the finale of Dancing With the Stars is mere hours away. In my twisted sense of timing, that makes this the perfect time to make predictions. I figure if I'm right, the few of you who actually read this prediction will actually remember that I was right. If I'm wrong, well - what will be new? I did predict Bristol Palin would be voted off Dancing With the Stars a looooooong time ago after-all, so what do I know? Enough justification, let the self-embarrassment begin:
Third Place - Bristol Palin and Mark Ballas
I think Mark Ballas is terrific, but I won't pull any punches here: I think casting Bristol Palin was a joke. No-one would know who Bristol was if she weren't the pregnant teen of a prominent political figure. If she had not been pregnant during that short window, no-one would remember who she was. Do you remember the names of Bob Dole's kids? She fails the test for 'star' in my book, even if she does fit the bizarre definition of 'celebrity' that has gelled around the instant global communication. While her mom's political opponents remained surprisingly tasteful about the whole thing, a whole lot of people pointed to Bristol as an ironically timed example of why the Right's stance on birth control doesn't work. What does any of this have to do with dancing? You ask? EXACTLY. I answer.
Second Place - Jennifer Grey and Derek Hough
I know, I know - this is just crazy talk, but hear me out. Actually, what I'm about to say may make you feel a little better if Jennifer does lose. Jennifer deserves to win, and is a fantastic performer. A win for Jennifer would surprise no-one. What I think will happen, though, is that Brandy fans who were obviously very emotional over her loss last week will punish who they saw as Brandy's worthy opponent. Despite the controversy over whether Bristol or Brandy deserved to stay, Brandy's fans were already charged up to vote against Jennifer. There's no way those jilted fans will vote for Palin, and given the fresh outrage over the validity of the voting process fans will break - according to my logic - 2:1 for ...
First Place - Kyle Massey and Lacey Schwimmer
Even without a voting irregularity like I described above, Kyle and Lacey emerge in the finale free of conspiracy theory, and free of an air of deserved-ness. Kyle has exhibited the most enthusiasm, and the least ego all season long. He's the easy choice for voters still on the fence, and the likely recipient of Brandy votes that were already sworn against Jennifer Grey.
In my picture of the final outlay, Bristol Palin is Ross Perot - she never really had a chance of winning, but she'll split the vote just enough to keep a clear victory away from either serious competitor. Of course, we won't see that side of things. All we'll see is someone walking away with that mirror ball. Tune back in a few hours from now for LIVE results from tonight's Dancing With the Stars.
Go Bristol and Mark!!!!!!!!!!!
Go Bristol and Mark!!!!!!!!!!!
No matter the outcome Bristol has already won by driving the lunatic left bonkers. If she does win there's rumor the trophy will be auctioned off on EBAY to support the troops.