Insane Florida Woman Plans to Marry a Tetris Cartridge

I suppose calling a person that’s planning on marrying Tetris cartridge insane would be the natural direction that many people would go in. Trust me, you wouldn’t be alone on that one, though apparently there is such a thing as objectum sexual, in which a person has more desire towards a physical object than a person. Fractal, as the woman wants to be known, doesn’t desire human beings, she’s in love with objects, and maintains that this is not a fetish or a joke, but that she is in a deeply committed relationship with everything Tetris. I’m seriously waiting for someone to jump out and yell ‘ha-ha, sucker!’ just now, but it has yet to happen.

It’s easy enough to understand how people can feel a certain way about various objects in their life but to think that there’s a support group for people that experience objectum sexual is something that still has me stumped. In fact I’m trying to find the words right now as I type since I can’t remember the last time I really loved anything of mine that couldn’t possibly love me back. Some folks might say this woman has serious issues when it comes to relationships but apparently her family has grown used to this and supports her, as do her friends. To each their own, right?

One question though, and it’s kind of important since she plans to marry the Tetris cartridge after finishing school and all. How in the world is an object supposed to say “I do”? Is it going to be an implied thing and everyone’s okay with that, or is she going to be the one doing all the talking? Seriously, I am REALLY waiting for a follow-up article to say this was all a gag for someone to get attention. That would make so much more sense than this is making right now. But until that happens I guess we have to accept the fact that objectum sexual is in fact a real thing, which it is. There is a foundation that was set up nearly a decade ago to help people like Fractal who have a strong attraction to objects that can’t be understood by others.

On one hand it’s easy to understand, particularly if she went through some form of trauma when she was younger, since people aren’t always the most reliable bunch in the world. We do have our faults and our drawbacks, but at the very least we’re easy to communicate with when it’s absolutely necessary. Objects on the other hand won’t cheat on you, won’t just run away, and won’t give up on you unless they have working parts that need to be maintained every so often. In Fractal’s case she had a longstanding relationship with a calculator she’d named Pierre until one day when she was cleaning him Pierre blew a fuse and was no longer functional. So objects aren’t perfect either it would seem.

Someone please tell me this is one long-running joke. PLEASE?


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