Insane Florida Woman Plans to Marry a Tetris Cartridge

I suppose calling a person that’s planning on marrying Tetris cartridge insane would be the natural direction that many people would go in. Trust me, you wouldn’t be alone on that one, though apparently there is such a thing as objectum sexual, in which a person has more desire towards a physical object than a person. Fractal, as the woman wants to be known, doesn’t desire human beings, she’s in love with objects, and maintains that this is not a fetish or a joke, but that she is in a deeply committed relationship with everything Tetris. I’m seriously waiting for someone to jump out and yell ‘ha-ha, sucker!’ just now, but it has yet to happen.

It’s easy enough to understand how people can feel a certain way about various objects in their life but to think that there’s a support group for people that experience objectum sexual is something that still has me stumped. In fact I’m trying to find the words right now as I type since I can’t remember the last time I really loved anything of mine that couldn’t possibly love me back. Some folks might say this woman has serious issues when it comes to relationships but apparently her family has grown used to this and supports her, as do her friends. To each their own, right?

One question though, and it’s kind of important since she plans to marry the Tetris cartridge after finishing school and all. How in the world is an object supposed to say “I do”? Is it going to be an implied thing and everyone’s okay with that, or is she going to be the one doing all the talking? Seriously, I am REALLY waiting for a follow-up article to say this was all a gag for someone to get attention. That would make so much more sense than this is making right now. But until that happens I guess we have to accept the fact that objectum sexual is in fact a real thing, which it is. There is a foundation that was set up nearly a decade ago to help people like Fractal who have a strong attraction to objects that can’t be understood by others.

On one hand it’s easy to understand, particularly if she went through some form of trauma when she was younger, since people aren’t always the most reliable bunch in the world. We do have our faults and our drawbacks, but at the very least we’re easy to communicate with when it’s absolutely necessary. Objects on the other hand won’t cheat on you, won’t just run away, and won’t give up on you unless they have working parts that need to be maintained every so often. In Fractal’s case she had a longstanding relationship with a calculator she’d named Pierre until one day when she was cleaning him Pierre blew a fuse and was no longer functional. So objects aren’t perfect either it would seem.

Someone please tell me this is one long-running joke. PLEASE?



Leave a Reply

That Time Bojack Horseman Solved Gun Control
Martin Scorsese is Working on a Julius Caesar TV Series
Video Of An Ultra High Speed Industrial Bacon Slicer is Oddly Satisfying
The Sound of Violence: A Sound of Silence Batman Parody
Five Things Movies Get Wrong About Divorce
Why the Movie “Bowling for Columbine” is More Relevant Now Than Ever
‘Black Panther’ Shatters Expectations With Unprecedented $235 Million Opening
After ‘Black Panther’s Unbridled Success, What’s Next for Marvel?
Twitch Man Plays Super Mario World Theme With His Nose
When Hedwig’s Theme From “Harry Potter” Meets Heavy Metal
The Top Uses of Frank Sinatra’s “New York, New York” In Movies or TV
The Sound of Skating on Thin Ice is More Interesting Than You Think
Five Things We Learned From This Year’s Daytona 500
Jason Kelce’s Super Bowl Parade Speech is One for the Ages
The Top Five Plotlines For This Year’s Winter Olympics
Charles Oakley’s MSG Assault Charges Dismissed but He’s Still Banned
The Honest Game Trailer for Dragon Ball Fighter Z
Here are Some Video Game Characters in Real Life
Remember the Infamous Contra Infinite Lives Code? It Wasn’t Supposed to Be in the Game
You Can Be the Paddle in Life-Sized Interactive Pong Game
The Stones Exhibitionism Opens in Nashville in March; Tickets On Sale Now
Five Things You Didn’t Know about Kane Hodder
Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” Copyright Lawsuit Dismissed
No Preview
Hulk Hogan Wants to Wrestle Ric Flair if He gets his Chance