Bones 4.20: The Cinderella in the Cardboard

I want to let TVO readers know that I am not taking over the recap list. For reasons known only to them, Fox has decided to air 4 new “Bones” episodes in 9 days and I am scrambling to catch up because for the first time in ages, a series is having a 26 episode season. So, here we go…

3391145900_6082efbc24In an example of taking “reduce, reuse, recycle” that one step too far, “Bones and Booth Go Green” opens in a recycling plant where to workers have stumbled across a pallet of flattened cardboard boxes, the outermost one of which bears a stain in the form of a religious figure. The workers cross themselves and bring in professionals to determine whether or not it is Jesus in the recycling bin.

Booth, Cam and Bones take a gander. Booth crosses himself as well and Cam asks if he also believed it was the Virgin Mary in the grilled cheese sandwich. Booth cuts the bale bindings and they go on a scavenger hunt. Every time they remove a flattened box, the stain gets bigger. It’s like a torture-porn Ukrainain doll set. Eventually they come to the corpse. Wow, that was pretty graphic. The crushed skull was especially impressive.

Since they couldn’t scrape remove the body from the cardboard without risking the loss of evidence they have taken the whole thing back to the lab. Wendell Bray (Wendell Who, you ask? The hockey-playing, cougar-bait, mostly-normal-but -too-young -to-have-any-obvious-neuroses intern) takes a look at the human pancake and notices something odd. Well, odd even for a pancake. Parts of her toes are missing and they were removed before she died. The victim may have been tortured. Cam checks out the tootsies and says it wasn’t torture; she had her toes surgically shortened. They also find some shiny stuff on the body.

Bones and Booth check out a plastic surgeon who performs toe-tucks. The surgeon says he did the procedure – toes are the new nose – and he recognizes the victim as Muriel Mensacos (they never tell you how to spell the dead person’s name.) The good doctor said that Muriel wanted to have surgery because her feet didn’t go with her Louis Vuitton wedding shoes.

(Aside. I was looking for something episode related on the net and came across a reference to the episode title that I knew but didn’t put together. In the original Cinderella story, one of Cinderella’s evil stepsisters cut off her toe in an attempt to fit her foot into the slipper. Sneaky, show.)

Bones is outraged at the self-mutilation (good continuity!). Or perhaps at the Louis Vuitton. It may have been okay for Manolo Blahniks. Or the outrage may have been about the wedding, since according to her, love is a chemical process that causes delusions. Well, everybody knows that love makes you stupid but delusional might be taking it a little far. As Bones and Booth debate the metits of marriage versus freedom of relationships, the surgeon offers to excuse himself if they are having relationship issues. “NO! We aren’t a couple. We just work together!” they exclaim in unison. The anvils came early this week.

Now that the victim has been identified, Booth’s called in the relevant parties, in this case the fiance Bob Caverly and the maid-of-honour Genie Gorman. Genie said she promised to be Muriel’s MOH back in the 10th grade. Booth is a little confused as Muriel hadn’t even met her fiance back then. Poor Booth doesn’t get it; the groom is the last accessory to complete the outfit. Genie says all Muriel ever wanted to be was a bride.

Meanwhile, Wendell has set up a fluoroscoping imaging machine in the lab to look at the body since they still haven’t scraped it off the cardboard. Cam is very surprised, especially considering that they don’t have a fluoroscoping imaging machine. Wendell tells her that he borrowed it from Egyptology but not to worry because he left a note. Isn’t he showing good initiative? Cam retorts that he is showing good cause to be fired. Even if he found a clue that he wouldn’t have found without it? He found a straight-pin in her spine. She was having a dress fitting before she died.

Booth and Bones head down to the bridal shop where the store is having its annual sale. They are almost trampled by roving hordes of Bridezillas. Bones notices a bouquet under glass. She asks how they preserved it so beautifully. Glycerine and freeze-drying. Mrs. Bertalino, the owner, remembers Muriel-zilla. She had a fight with Anya, her best wedding consultant. Anya slapped her, Muriel threatened to sue, and Anya was fired.

Bones comments that she can’t comprehend all the hoopla for a wedding. Booth scoffs. “You must have dreamt of being a bride before your heart turned to stone.” Oh, Booth-snark! Before she can reply, Bones spots Daisy Wick in the store trying on a bridal gown. A man picks her up and twirls her around, and it is NOT Daisy’s boyfriend Sweets. Before she can comment on that, Mrs. Bertalino picks up a veil and says it would look great on Bones. Bones tells her that a veil is a symbol of virginity and that she’s been active since… gotta go!

Booth and Bones have the first of many, many arguments about whether or not they should tell Sweets about seeing Daisy. Bones is for (honesty); Booth is against (none of our business). I hate to say it but I’m leaning towards Bones here. At least ask when he got engaged since they saw Daisy trying on a dress and let him take it from there.

Booth interviews Anya. Anya prides herself on being a gentlewoman but the bit client had it coming. She didn’t slap Muriel after the insults. She slapped her after Muriel threw the pins at her. Anya also doesn’t have an alibi but I really don’t think we’ll be seeing this herring again.

Meanwhile, back in the lab, they still haven’t scraped the corpse off the cardboard. Hodgins has done some work on the maggots thought. He blended them and it turns out the maggots were toasted on tequila. The bride was drunk. Additionally, the tests on the shiny stuff identified it as glycerine. Ooh, that clue leads back to the bridal shop!

The squints finally transfer the corpse onto a tray. Wendell reminisces about how this reminds him of his old job in a pizza parlour where he had to transfer the pie out of the oven without cracking the crust. Surprisingly, after the transfer, nobody is hungry.

Booth and Bones are in the Founding Fathers, their drinking hangout. But I’ll bet it has neither pie nor fries. They are waiting on their food and debating telling Sweets their suspicions. Bones says that Sweets is always telling them to be forthright and honest in their relationship. Booth counsels her that honest and forthright is not how relationships go. Booth says that since Bones is obviously having issues with the whole marriage thing that she should bring it up at their next session with Sweets. Speak of the devil. The debate comes to a screeching halt when Sweets and Daisy enter the restaurant. Daisy tells her Lance-alot (oh, that’s so sweet it’s sickening) that they can’t get together the next night because of her yoga class. Sweets asks if they can all eat together tonight, but Booth can’t get Bones out of the building fast enough.

Estogen United is going over clues when Bones brings them up to date on the Sweets/Daisy situation. They agree with Booth that she shouldn’t tell the shrink. Angela says that he’d know if Daisy was cheating, and if he doesn’t know it’s because he doesn’t want to know. They call Bones on the fact that she just wants to tell Sweets. Bones doesn’t deny it; he’s a professional in human behaviour. She wants to see how he reacts. Angela advises her to be kind. I want to know when Bones became such a twist-the-knife, heartless witch.

They have managed to track Muriel to the Champagne Lounge before her death. One of the things the CL is known for is its glycerine “champagne” bubbles. The bartender remembers Muriel-zilla from the night she died. She sent three drinks back. He agrees to look for the receipts to see who was paying for said drinks when Bones gets distracted by boxes. She follows the busboy into the alley where the recycled boxes get picked up. She uses her blue light and blood-spotting glasses and finds a few blood stains. Booth, on the other hand, finds Muriel-zilla’s bedazzled cell phone.

They take it back to the lab where Angela replaces the battery and gets the phone working. The cell phone rings. At Bones’s urging, Angela answers it. It’s a picture of Hodgins!

This is embarrassing. Hodgins signed up for a dating service called “Hate or Date”. Whenever two clients’ phones are within 100 yards of each other, they call each other and send the owner’s picture. The recipient can then hit “hate” or “date”. If they both hit “date” they get each other’s contact information. While Hodgins exposits, he gets another hit and is “hated” by the cafeteria lady at the Jeffersonian.

At the “Date or Hate” office, the owner Kurtis Rossi is horrified to hear that one of his clients is dead, mostly because it won’t look good to future investors. He pulls up Muriel’s file and says that she has had 20 potentials: 14 nos, 5 yeses, and an undecided on Hodgins. Her last date was with Owen Smith.

While Booth informs Bob that his fiancee was still looking for Mr. Right on a dating service. (That’s a bit of a role reversal. Wiki-type fact: did you know that 30% of men who use dating services are married and lie about it?) Bob didn’t know Muriel was cheating on him and refuses to believe it. Anyway, he has an alibi. He and Genie were at dance class because one of Genie’s important maid of honour duties was to make sure the first dance was perfect.

Bones and Sweets watch from the observation room. She asks Sweets if he would want to know if Daisy was cheating on him. Sweets says he’d know if she were. Brennan snarks, “Obviously you can’t read all the psychological subtleties you think you can. Booth says not to tell you but Daisy is getting her sausage from another butcher.” She admits that it is none of her business but now that Sweets knows he can make an informed decision. Sweets asks for a minute, and it’s not to make a decisions. Bad Bones, bad!

Wendell found some skull fractures inconsistent with being compressed. He and Cam watch Angela do her computer magic and she enhances some photos to show that Muriel has tire tracks on her head. Cam gets the quip this week: “She was flattened before she was flattened.”

Since the fiance’s alibi checked out, they are on to new suspects. Owen Smith, the last date, has a disposible phone and his email account has been cancelled. Booth says that Kurtis acknowledged that is a common MO for married men who are looking for love in all the wrong places. Bones informs Booth that she told Sweets about Daisy. Booth is upset at this revelation, mostly because it means Sweets is going to come cry on his shoulder. And he arrives right on time.

Bones makes good her escape. Sweets tells Booth that he feels like an idiot. All the signs of cheating were there and he missed all of them. He’s a failure as a lover and as a psychologist. Booth: “These things happen.” Sweets asks Booth what a man’s man would do in this situation. Booth turns the table. What would Sweets tell a patient to do? Sweets decides to confront the two-timing Daisy. He thanks Booth and asks if they can hug. Booth tells him that manly men don’t hug. They slug each other in the arm. Sweets leaves with a gigantic, manly bruise on his bicep.

Meanwhile, back at the lab, Wendell theorizes that Muriel was struck by a SUV but there is no incised wound, no glass and no paint. Angela runs a model that shows that Muriel-zilla was run down and then run over.

Wendell then invites Hodgins to join him and a group of female friends for drinks after work. Hodgins is suspicious; Wendell doesn’t know him. But Wendell grew up on the streets and it doesn’t take him long to get a feel for somebody. Come on, Hodgins, live a little. Show off your new tattoo.

Having finally run the receipts from the Champagne Lounge, they discover that the man buying the drinks was Joe Fillion. They track down his car – I don’t know how, it must be super squint skills – and Bones uses her necklace to measure the distance from the ground to the point of impact. She uses the necklace because someone in Egyptology took her tape measure. But they left a note. Ha! They also find blood in the SUV’s grill.

SUV-owning Joe completely cops to meeting Muriel in the bar. It wasn’t a secret – Genie knew about it. They also weren’t dating… anymore. They had been engaged but she broke it off. She also kept his ring, which he wanted back. But he was too late; she sold it to pay for this wedding. And while Joe was in the bar, he saw her cheating on her new fiance. At this bit of news, they hear from the lab. The blood on the car is canine, and Joe breaks down and admits he hit a dog.

They are down to one suspect: Owen Smith. As Hodgins and Angela look at his photo, Angela observes that Owen looks too good to be true. Hodgins grudgingly admits Owen is handsome. Angela didn’t mean it that way. Physically, he doesn’t look real to her artist’s eye.

In Sweets’s office, Daisy has arrived to pick up her Lance-alot but he is confrontational. “Are you breaking up with me?” she asks, eyes glistening (but not with glycerine.) “Tears will have no effect on me!” Sweets manly states. He tells her she’s been busted and that Booth and Bones saw her trying on wedding dresses with her fiance. Daisy says that he is one word off. Bertalino’s was having its annual sale and she was trying on a dress for her cousin, who lives out of town. The man was her cousin’s fiance. Sweets is distraught. How could I ever have doubted you? They then duck down behind the sofa in his office and go at it like bunnies. Why behind the sofa and not on it, I don’t know. I doubt that the floor would really be more comfortable. I’m giving the sex life of fictional characters waaaay too much thought.

Meanwhile back at the lab, Angela’s determined that Owen’s photo is actually a composite of the four men Muriel had previously dated. When Booth confronts Kurtis with that fact, he denies it. “Why would I have to make a man to date a girl?” Bones tells him it is because he has sub-par facial structure. She also hints that they are examining his SUV right now. “It was an accident!” he proclaims. Well, maybe the first time you ran her down. It was all Muriel’s fault. She said that she wanted a funny, smart, successful man and that describes him but when he stopped to talk to her she gave him the finger. So he hit her with his car. Repeatedly.

Case solved, work day over. Hodgins is outside the Founding Fathers, looking through the window at Wendell and his girl friends. Hodgins’s phone rings. It’s another “hate or date” call. But the photo that pops up is Angela. No, don’t do it, you two! They don’t . “Hate.” Hodgins enters the bar and is welcomed at a table. He looks to be having a good time.

Bones shows up at Booth’s apartment, where he is having supper straight from the cereal box. She tells him that she saw Sweets and Daisy. She almost ruined their lives with jealousy. Booth tells her to listen to him next time. Jealously is one emotion Bones will admit to having. She’s jealous of Hodgins and Angela, of Cam, of him. They believe in love and she doesn’t.

Booth sits down beside her and promises her that one day she will.

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