This week, on the Epic Romance of Foreman and Thirteen — oh? What’s that, you say? The show is called “House”? Really? Wow. I would have never guessed.
Sorry. It’s really making me gag. And not in the cool, “Supernatural” sort of way where you’re like, “OHHH! That guy just stuck his hand in the possessed garbage disposal and OMG IS THAT A NUBBY ARM?? That’s — GAG.” It’s more like an “OHHH! Stick a spork in my eye because I seriously can’t take any more of this sappy romance crap! Oh, no! They’re making googly-faces at each other! GAG”
ANYWAY. Got a little off-track there. The patient-du-jour is Dana Miller, contestant on Top Chef! No, not really. She’s an assistant chef whose boss is giving her a hard time during a cooking demonstration, sharply asking, “You gonna chop those onions or give them a massage?” She replies, “Well, I guess a happy ending is out of the question.” Hee. I like her already. Unfortunately, she has an attack while onion-chopping — her lips go blue and she diagnoses herself with cyanosis and spontaneous pneumothorax before collapsing on the kitchen floor. So she’s a doctor. Surprise, surprise.
We join Foreman and Thirteen in — GACK! I don’t want to be in this bedroom right now! Get me out! I don’t care about the fact that Thirteen drools when she sleeps! That’s officially too much information!
Oh, praise House. We’re in Wilson/Amber’s apartment and Wilson’s washing dishes. Yes, a bachelor is washing dishes. Pick your jaw up off the floor. He has a stare-down with the Symbolic Green Coffee Mug of Lost Love on the counter before walking off. We’ll revisit this later.
PPTH. House comes into work to find a sign posted on the elevators, indicating they’re out of order. That’s not very ADA-friendly, is it? He has to hike up the stairs and limps into the conference room looking a little more surly than usual. Thirteen shoves Dana Miller’s file in House’s face and wants House to take the case because apparently Ms. Miller was “five to ten years” away from discovering a cure for retinoblastoma (a.k.a. cancer of the retina). Thirteen, of course, is interested in the case because Miller was making progress in curing the incurable, and jeeze, can I be hit over the head with this OMG TERMINAL ILLNESS anvil any harder? Oh, wait. I’m not gonna answer that yet.
Taub and Foreman try to figure out what’s causing the spontaneous pneumothorax. She has no history of COPD, nor is she a smoker, nor does she engage in scuba-like activities. So that leaves us with cystic fibrosis, lung cancer, or late-onset asthma. Kumar walks in, late, and confirms that he took the elevators up. House is baffled. He gives the ok for Thirteen to start steroids for asthma and orders a CT scan for confirmation of hyper-inflated lung tissue.
Back with Dana, Taub is rarin’ to get her back on the streets so she can continue to function as a “gift to society.” I’m not sure how chopping onions is a gift to society, Taub. Yes, that’s right. She’s no longer researching cancer cures (Wouldn’t they have known that? I’m just sayin’.). She gave up research because she had a uterine myoma that ruptured, requiring emergency surgery. After that close brush with death, she decided her job wasn’t making her happy, so she elected to get yelled at by chefs instead. But apparently it makes her happy. Taub cannot seem to get his giant brain around this concept.
Cuddy’s Office. She’s ogling Mowgli via webcam. It’s a cute little bugger, that’s for sure. House barges in, complaining about the broken elevators. Cuddy posits that maybe, “sometimes is just seems they [the elevators] are out to get you… maybe they wanted to take time off to spend with their little dumbwaiter. But then they had to leave it at home with an elevator-sitter because you drove the replacement elevator to quitting because you’re incapable of listening of anybody but me.” Hee. Elevator metaphors are AWESOME. House responds, “You’re wrong. I don’t even listen to you.” Too late, House. You’ve already dragged Cuddy down to your level. VENGEANCE shall be hers!
Maybe not. House goes down to the lobby, takes the sign off the elevator, and heads on up. Looks like we’ve got a stalemate, folks!
Meanwhile, Taub has concluded it’s not asthma. The rest of the staff, however, seems more concerned that Dana gave up her research. Foreman thinks you gotta do what makes you happy (I’m not even going there, folks), but Kumar was too traumatized by little kids who had the cancer eat through their eyes and into their brains. I thought you were supposed to be a doctor, Kumar! There are creepy diseases out there! Even I know you can cure ’em all. Foreman agrees with me. House thinks that people act in their own self interest, so the doctors must be there because they’re “happy” to be there, or at least because it’s their best option. And Thirteen is desperate to make her life matter before it’s over. At least that anvil hit me square in the face. My toe was starting to get really bruised. Kumar notices increased interstitial markings on the CT scan, which would indicate pulmonary fibrosis. House orders a biopsy, but he stops Foreman before he can head out with the rest of the crew. He suspects Foreman interfered with Thirteen’s clinical trial. Yes, it really is that obvious.
Cut to Foreman doing picture-cards tests with Thirteen as she bats her eyelashes at him. Is this scene over yet? Apparently she’s got headaches. She insists it’s not a side-effect of the drug, but Foreman wants to do an MRI. She refuses.
Meanwhile, Dana is balking at the biopsy because it’s invasive and she doesn’t want to miss her book club. We get a bit of insight into Taub’s life as a plastic surgeon — yeah, the pay was great, but now he can look at himself in the mirror and say he did something worthwhile with his career. He’s not necessarily happy, but what can you do? Um, unsanitarily stick a syringe in Dana’s stomach because she has a tummy ache? Pretty much. Her belly’s full of blood. The source? Her liver.
House tries to get into his office and trips over a wire, flying face-first into the ground. CUDDY! The team worries House is going to go into his Angry!Bear mode, but instead he continues to wonder what’s causing the bleeding if her liver’s clean. Foreman thinks it could be a liver granuloma, which Thirteen thinks could have been caused by blastomycosis. House orders another biopsy before stopping Foreman again on the way out the door. I’m seeing a pattern here. So is House — Thirteen’s losing her peripheral vision. “I’m happy for you,” he says, “A love so deep that you’re willing to chuck your medical license to give her powerful, unproven drugs with dangerous side-effects. I don’t want to make any assumptions about your feelings for me, but, I do have a birthday coming up.” Snerk. Foreman leaves, stepping gingerly over the trip wire, and I’m just gonna admit right now that, were it me, I totally would have forgotten it was there and gone skittering across the freshly-waxed floors. Kudos, dude.
House is patching up his skinned-knee in an exam room and Wilson barges in. He’s a little confused about the lack of retaliation on House’s part. It’s not going to happen because Cuddy’s not looking for leverage — just revenge. House has to wait until things calm down before he can launch his counterattack. No escalation. Wilson was thinking that House might actually feel guilty about taking Cuddy away from her baby, and gets the Death Glare from House. “Thank you, Rationalization Man!” House scoffs, “You have saved the village!” Hee. The idea of Wilson in a cape and pair of tights is my amusing image for the night. Wilson finds out about that Dana Miller is one of House’s patients and hauls ass over to her room.
Turns out Wilson and Dana knew each other from a conference, and she remembers him. She’s scratching her temple rather vigorously, which is a side effect of liver failure. Wilson wants to know why she quit. He’s got a handful of kids who are dying from retinoblastoma. Dana makes the astoundingly logical argument that with or without her, someone will find the cure, eventually. Wilson complains that he’s in the trenches, doing triage, when she has the power to end the war. Overstating much? Dana thinks that Wilson’s probably stuck in a rut, unable to move forward and miserable. She must have seen the show before.
Taub’s House. He has the “I think we should have kids” talk with his wife, but she’s not particularly thrilled at the idea.
PPTH Lab. Foreman tests Thirteen’s peripheral vision. She fails. She realizes she must be on the drug. “Does this mean you have to tell them and take me off it?” she asks. “No and yes,” Foreman responds. He caves and tells her what he did. She’ll just stop taking the drug, and she should be fine. Thirteen can’t believe Foreman broke protocol and risked his career to “help” someone he’s been dating for two weeks. She’s not ready for that. Nor am I. Break up and get over it! Jeebus. To think we could be spending this time watching House be snarky with Chase. Oh, and by the way, the biopsy came back negative.
Foreman tells Dana the test was negative, but she’s got a disgusting raw patch on her forehead. It looks like she scratched right through her skull during her sleep. And that oozy-gray stuff? Brain matter. Ewwww. I mean, is that physically possible? I don’t know. Girl must have some incredible nails.
They close Dana up, and there’s no real brain damage, but she’s still complaining that it itches. Itch-receptors are only in the top two layers of skin, so the problem must be in her brain. Thirteen gets whiny and blames her headache. House suggests meningitis or encephalitis, but gets shot down because the problem is localized. Foreman thinks it’s MS, and Taub goes with brain tumor. House is tired of playing “Guess the disease” (hint: it’s not lupus!) and orders an MRI. The team walks out and House realizes he’s missing his cane. A mopbucket full of dirty water will have to do for the time-being. Hee.
Thirteen refuses to talk about her headaches with Foreman and refuses an MRI. She pops a handful of codeine (she’s taking twice the recommended amount) and tells Foreman to screw off. He continues to insist, however, that this isn’t about hurt feelings. No, it’s probably about Little Foreman as well. Just sayin’.
House wheels his mop-bucket into Cuddy’s office. He mocks Cuddy for trying to be a working mom, but she shoots him down. “You’re only here to get back at me by dumping dirty mop water on my carpet. Just get it over with so I can get back to work,” she says. House, surprisingly, wheels his mop bucket back out without another word. What a wasted opportunity!
MRI. Thirteen. Foreman apologizes, rationalizing his decision by saying that one of them had to go out on a limb. He thought he could help her. Oh, please. Spare me. For once, Thirteen vocalizes my feelings exactly by telling Foreman to SHUT UP. Foreman sees something bad on the MRI. I wish I cared.
Dana’s MRI, on the other hand, was negative. No tumors or lesions, and House’s cane is still missing, damn it! WE HAVE AN EMERGENCY HERE. Foreman shows up to grab his coat and then promptly exits, leaving Taub and Kumar as the only ones who appear to actually give a damn about the patient. House follows (after deciding Dana is suffering from polyneuropathy and ordering shock therapy) Foreman and asks, “How bad is she?” She has tumor in her brain. Oooh! Oooh! Maybe it’s fatal!
That was uncalled for. I’d say I’m sorry, but I don’t really mean it.
But it might actually be fatal unless Foreman goes to the drug company to find out how other tumors were treated. House thinks that Foreman is being too hasty. He needs to wait, because if the tumor doesn’t go away on its own, Thirteen’s gonna need Foreman to still have his medical license.
Foreman swings by Thirteen’s house to find her sitting on the couch, complaining that her leg’s bleeding. She tripped over a table because she couldn’t see the damn thing. Actually, she can’t see ANYTHING! Say it with me: oh noes! Or not. Funny how Thirteen’s focus when “blind” is almost exactly the same as her regular focus… gah.
Wilson comes into work the next morning to find House sleeping in his office. Cuddy turned off the heat and power at his house, so he had to crash there. He also missed 17 phone calls during the night. It was Kumar and Taub. Dana was feeling the spinal shocks before the test even started. House has no idea where Foreman and Thirteen are. House tells Kumar and Taub to look for a spinal hemangioma, via MRI. Holy moly, this episode should have been called, “The One with a Crapload of MRIs.”
House lets himself into Thirteen’s house with his stolen key. He realizes she can’t see, and she tells him Foreman’s on his way to the drug company. Blah, blah, illusions of love, he tells her to call him and make him turn around. She does, because she luuuuurves him. GAG.
Wilson approaches Cuddy and complains she’s going too far. She’s physically hurting House. Apparently that’s the point: House shouldn’t be able to people miserable without paying for it. Wilson rolls his eyes and points out that Cuddy’s not miserable. She likes being at work. If she’s so bothered by House, she should just fire him. Hire someone else. But she can’t because she likes what he does for the hospital. Wilson wisely says that, for House, what he does is who he is. The same goes for Cuddy. Awww, Wilson. The voice of reason.
Meanwhile, Thirteen’s getting radiated. House and Foreman go back and forth — Foreman broke the rules, his girlfriend went blind, and now he has to be prepared for her to die. Foreman counters that no one else was having adverse reactions, but House takes him out in a couple of swift strokes: Foreman was only thinking of himself. They get the catheter into position and House passes Foreman a vial with a radioactive symbol on it. “Nukey nukey!” HEE.
MRI. Again. Kumar and Taub find hemangiomas in the spine, lungs, and pericardium, EVERYWHERE. It looks like she has metastatic mesothelioma (a type of lung cancer). Kumar’s more interested in where Foreman and Thirteen are than wondering why the mesothelioma didn’t show up in the scan two days ago. House wants Wilson to do a biopsy to confirm the diagnosis. Kumar REALLY wants to know what’s going on.
Wilson does the biopsy. He apologizes for unloading on Dana, but she thinks he’s saying that just because she’s dying. No no no. It’s because Cutthroat died. She was right. He’s stuck — his apartment’s a virtual shrine, everything left in its place. “The only wrong thing,” she tells him, “is to do nothing.” Wilson ponders this for a moment before realizing that Dana’s lesion is bleeding. Uh oh. No bueno.
Foreman’s looking angsty in Thirteen’s hospital room. The tumor’s still growing and both Kumar and Foreman feel guilty about it. Thirteen doesn’t want Foreman to torch his career to pay for his sins. Just torch the relationship and get on with it! Ngggh. Blah blah, hypocrite, blah blah don’t do it, Foreman! Sigh. Are we done yet?
Oh, good. Wilson, House, and Taub are still befuddled. Dana helps them by going into cardiac arrest (okay, actually “cardiac tamponade” is the correct term). Another hasty syringe to the chest seems to help, except she starts bleeding out of her nose and eyes. That’s so cool! And kinda disgusting! But still kinda cool!
It’s too late to stop the bleeding via surgery, so House decides to go on the offensive. He wants to do an embolization, which would block the blood vessels heading into her lungs. Yes, it would wipe out three quarters of her lung capacity, but they seem to have no other options.
House comes up the elevator to find Cuddy sitting on a bench, twirling his cane. LITTLE GREG! YOU’RE BACK! She hid it in the coat closet. “You are what you are,” she admits, “It’s annoying, but it’s not your fault.” She apologizes. “You were doing this job perfectly until the baby came along,” House fires back. He thinks they’re going to have to do this little Power Struggle Tango again in another 28 days. Really, House? Cuddy gets pissed at your adolescent behavior and you blame her period? I’ll forgive him, I guess, because he has his epiphany and runs off. “When I was being a jerk, you acted human! And now that I’m acting human, you go back to being a jerk!” Cuddy complains as she totters after him. She thinks this whole thing is just an act. “You should go talk to Wilson,” House suggests, “Rationalization Man needs a faithful sidekick. Now, Rational Man needs to go save a life.” Oh, dude! I just had an epiphany! I know how to turn “Heroes” around this season — replace the cast with characters from “House,” but give them cool costumes and crime fighting abilities! I would totally watch that.
House rifles though Dana’s trash and pulls out a maxi pad box. Not only is she bleeding from her uterus, she’s bleeding from everywhere. Not a coincidence. She developed endometriosis as a result of the uterine surgery because the endometrial cells spilled out into her bloodstream, infecting clumps of tissue and multiplying until they reached a critical mass. When her uterus swelled before her period, everything did. When it was supposed to bleed? Well, everything did. Worst. Period. Ever! Cut out the endometrial clumps and she should be fine.
Thirteen’s Room. Foreman’s looking moody. Oh, god. They’re hand-holding again. GAG. He apologizes for screwing things up, and then goes to leave. Conveniently, she wakes up. OMG! She can see! Contrived, much? Seriously, I am so not buying this crap.
Taub goes into Miller’s room; she’s feeling a little bit better. She tells Taub that, on his death bed, he shouldn’t be lying there thinking that he didn’t do anything really important. It’s only one day. It’s the other twenty-five thousand he should worry about. He should try to go to bed happy tonight. Hrm. I’m willing to wager that Taub isn’t going to be around next season.
Foreman watches the Huntington’s test patients from the window, zeroing in on a blonde chick, whom he presumably doomed to the placebo. He calls the drug company.
House crashes the locker room to find Foreman sitting forlornly on a bench. He realizes Foreman told the drug company. However, even though he broke protocol, the only repercussions was that her results are no longer permissible. I mean, he can’t participate in any more trials, but that’s it. Really? Wow. So much for the ironclad medical ethics code. House waltzes out, having lifted some cash from an unlocked locker. Hee.
Taub’s House. His wife wakes up the next morning and asks him if he thinks he can be happy without a kid. He doesn’t know. But he knows he can’t be happy without her. She snuggles up with him on the couch and it’s adorable.
Meanwhile – GAG. Foreman and Thirteen are back in bed together. Wow. That was… quick. Thirteen tells him he snores. Again: DON’T CARE. He tells her to shut up. Seriously.
Wilson’s in Amber’s apartment again, and Round Two of the Staredown with the Symbolic Green Coffee Mug of Lost Love goes to… Wilson! He decides to wash it, but it sure as Hell ain’t easy. Awww.
Next week: House gives the Terrible Twosome an ultimatum — split or quit! YES. And there’s a priest with no faith! Whose toes are falling off! SWEET. See you then!