Clearly the television deities have it out for me this week, or maybe they just didn’t read the recap of the last episode (Did you? It’s here.). Because — someone hold me — they have brought me another Foreteen-filled episode. Let’s all giggle at that nickname together. Hee hee. So clever. House may find the whole debacle amusing, but I most certainly do not. Maybe one of them will do me a favor next week and get hit by a bus or something! Oh, c’mon. A girl can dream.
To continue on our theme of being smitten by an angry god, let’s join our victim of the week: a scruffy-looking, alcoholic priest (Daniel Bresson) who’s cleaning up after a long night at the community soup kitchen. He’s clearly burned-out and seeks refuge in his room, with a pack of Camels and his buddies Jack, Jim, and JosÃ©. He hears a banging on the door and stumbles over to open it. Staring back at him is Jesus. No, really. It looks like they let Mel Gibson and five gallons of red corn syrup loose on an unsuspecting extra. “That’s not funny, freak,” Daniel slurs. Jesus responds, “No one is laughing, Daniel,” before levitating off the ground. Oooookay. This could be interesting. Or not.
PPTH. Cuddy invites House to Mowgli’s simchat bat (a ritual naming for infant Jewish girls and hold on just a darn minute — Cuddy’s Jewish? I apparently missed something along the way). House has better things to do, like have sex with hookers. Yes, plural. “There will be wine. And plenty of nice people you can quietly mock.” Nah, House has a deposit down on the hookers. Cuddy pleads, but House closes the elevator door on her.
In the ER, Cameron approaches as House rifles through some files. He finds Daniel’s, but Cameron thinks the hallucinations are due to exhaustion or alcoholism. I’ll admit, I’m somewhat confused. I mean, if I was having hallucinations of a mostly dead Jesus, I’d either a) start a church of my own or b) check myself into a mental institution. Emergency room is not high on my list of options. Whatever.
In House’s office, he offers psychomotor epilepsy (he orders an EEG), atropine toxicity (check the church), or a frontal lobe tumor (he orders a CT scan) as possible causes of the hallucinations. Taub is clearly my stand-in for this conversation, as he suggests it was just the booze. “Foreteen! Hold up,” House says before they can leave and — ugh. Again, writers? Please leave the ‘shipper names to the internet, m’kay? “If you don’t split, you must quit,” House tells them and gives them to the end of this case to decide. Somehow, I don’t think it’s going to be that easy.
In the patient’s room, Taub and Daniel debate how drunk our befuddled priest was while Kumar points out that Daniel has moved around rather frequently. Turns out there was a problem four years ago with a teenager at the youth group at Daniel’s church. If by “problem,” I mean “molestation accusation.” He was transferred. And transferred again, and again. Taub suggests syphilis could be causing the hallucinations, but Daniel insists he’s not sexually active. We also find out just how burned-out Daniel is; he doesn’t think it was a revelation because, “It’s just a job now. The fairy tale ended a long time ago.”
In the cafeteria, House calls Wilson a wuss. “Part wimp, part puss.” Wilson defends himself and admits he’s rather surprised that Cuddy invited House. House calls it, “oddly flattering.”
Bustling Diner. Thirteen’s complaining to Foreman that they shouldn’t have to put up with House’s stunts anymore — there’s HR and Cuddy, and other jobs. Foreman wisely points out that House listens to neither, and he doesn’t want another job. He suggests that House doesn’t really want either of them to quit, he just wants to watch them flail about. So he and Thirteen are gonna do nothing. Not like that’s any different than what they normally do, but that’s beside the point.
Back with Taub, Kumar, and House, Taub’s itching to discharge Daniel because he’s not sick. House just thinks it’s really ridiculously cool that he found a priest that doesn’t believe in God. Foreman and Thirteen join him in his office to announce that they’re not splitting up and neither is quitting. Foreman speaks up that House didn’t have a problem with Chase and Cameron dating, and House fires him. Yessiree. For reals. Chase compromised his professional integrity to help Cameron, and House fired him too. Foreman hands over his badge and stomps out.
“How can you discharge me if you have no idea what’s wrong?” Daniel complains to Taub and Kumar. He complains of nausea and foot numbness. Kumar pulls back the sheets and removes something that looks vaguely like an old dog turd. It’s Daniel’s toe. It just fell off. Say it with me – ewwwww.
House is more excited than a kid on Christmas morning. He’s got a shriveled toe in a vial! What else could a guy ask for? While informing Taub and Kumar that Foreman has been fired and Thirteen is off somewhere sulking, House suggests leprosy, ergotism, or carbon monoxide poisoning. Taub and Kumar are more concerned with the status of their co-workers. “Separately, they’re great doctors,” House admits to Kumar, “Better than you.” Ooooh. Buuuurn. “Together, they’re morons.” I couldn’t agree more. He orders Daniel into a hyperbaric chamber to stop any more limbs from falling off.
In the locker room, Foreman informs Thirteen that he’s going to get a letter of recommendation from Cuddy and split. They go back and forth, “I’ll quit!” “No, I’ll quit!” “I love you more!” “No, I love you more!” Kissy-kissy-gaaaaag.
At the community church, Taub and Kumar are looking for environmental toxins. They gab about Foreman and Thirteen, Taub makes a crack about Thirteen’s bisexuality, “She’s used to partners that don’t need a map to find the treasure,” and they come up empty-handed.
Elevator. House has figured Cuddy’s evil scheme out — if she invites him, he’ll refuse and then she won’t have to listen to him harp about her newly found religion. Cuddy assures him that it’s a sincere invitation. “Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” House croons.
“You idiot!” Cuddy howls, barging into Wilson’s office, “I was free and clear! Now he’s coming and it’s your fault.” Wilson goes, “Bzwah?” and Cuddy says he doesn’t know how to keep his mouth shut. It’s up to him to fix it. Aww. Poor Wilson.
Back with Daniel, our intrepid doctors (minus Foreman) trade barbs about the departure of their colleague until Daniel starts having an attack in the hyperbaric chamber. He can’t breathe and Kumar speculates it “looks like a heart attack” as he runs to get House.
Cuddy’s office. Foreman comes in to ask for a letter of recommendation, but Cuddy can’t give it to him. Foreman falsified medical records and is lucky he still has a license. So Foreman’s kind of screwed as far as job opportunities go.
In House’s office, no one can figure out if Daniel had a heart attack or not. “The man of God who doesn’t believe in God had a heart attack that wasn’t a heart attack,” House sighs. Pretty much. House thinks it might be a clotting disorder and orders an angiogram. He introduces himself to Daniel as Kumar and Taub do the angio and implies that Daniel must be lying about something. They blah blah back and forth about the nature of a spiteful god that’s pretty much a knock off of every burnt-out priest story I’ve seen [Alias did it better.] and Taub announces that he didn’t find anything in the angio. Kumar goes to remove the catheter and warns it’s going to hurt a little, but Daniel doesn’t feel a thing. Regional anesthesia is probably not a good sign. House thinks it’s circulatory.
“Why the Hell are you going to Cuddy’s baby-naming?” Wilson howls at House as they walk down the hallway, “It’s a religious ceremony. It’s boring. Why waste a good evening that could be much better spent in a drunken stupor feeling sorry for yourself?” The man makes a good point. House tells Wilson he can run back to Cuddy and let her know that he delivered his message, but Wilson can’t figure out what’s going on in that twisted little brain of House’s. “Is it resentment? The stork brought home a new baby and you don’t want to share Mommy? Or you just can stand to see someone happy?” Wilson asks. That’s a rather disturbing mental image.
Thirteen approaches Cameron and Chase (Hiii, Chase! Your hair looks a little better this week. I miss you! Come back!) and asks if there’s a position available for her in the ER. If she can find a new position, then maybe House will hire Foreman back. Chase thinks Foreteen should just split up and be done with it. “Office romances are a bad idea,” he preaches. Insert eyeroll here. Cameron thinks House is playing them, but Chase thinks he’s doing them a favor. Cameron knows that another hospital is looking for someone and offers to make a call for Thirteen.
Back with the patient, Kumar asks Daniel if he thinks God is testing his faith. He doesn’t get a full answer, though, as Daniel’s right eye goes blind.
In House’s conference room, the doctors are looking stumped. Thirteen thinks it’s an autoimmune disease. House makes a Duran Duran reference that flies completely over my head (I’m too young! It’s not my fault!) and tells Taub to go check out the spleen. He and Kumar leave while Thirteen falls on House’s feet and begs for forgiveness. If she quits, House will re-hire Foreman. No no no! We can end this now! I’m willing to bribe!!
In the patient’s room, House walks in on Taub and Kumar doing a spleen biopsy and asks Daniel what happens if he’s able to cure him. He implies that Daniel’s faith will magically reappear when he’s cured. “Why do the Lord’s work if the Lord has left the building?” House asks. Daniel’s clearly not in it for the money, but it’s his only marketable skill. Au contraire. I’m sure he’d do a fabulous delivery of, “Would you like fries with that?” Daniel then goes off on a tangent about House wanting to believe and is this scene over yet? Good.
House runs into Cuddy in the hallway and she admits she doesn’t want him at the baby-shindig. “Okay,” House says somewhat anticlimactically.
In the lab, Kumar, Taub, and Thirteen are STILL talking about Foreman and relationships. Really? Are you trying to drive me to drink, show? Because I very well could end up hallucinating Jesuses. Thirteen isn’t finding any damage to the spleen, just some traces of minor bugs that she’s willing to brush off until Taub decides to dig a little deeper.
House and Daniel are talking faith and Cuddy over crappy hospital food, but Taub barges in and tells House the holy water is making Daniel sick. Pneumocystis attacks a compromised immune system which means that Daniel probably has AIDS. Hrm. The question of “did he or did he not molest the little boy?” has become that much more important. Daniel refuses to get tested for AIDS, because it would compromise what little credibility he has left.
Taub approaches House and says they need to start treatment for AIDS, because Daniel’s not going to let them test for it. Kumar, however, points out that if he doesn’t have aids, the drugs will mess up his immune system even more. Taub wants to contact the kid, but there are legal problems with contacting sexual partners, and House has lost enough doctors already. He orders them to treat for AIDS.
At Thirteen’s place, she informs Foreman that she found a job with another hospital, and if she quits, he can come back to work with House. They get testy with each other and she stomps off.
Wilson and House are having dinner together at the cafeteria. House tells Wilson, “Your attendance is validating her hypocrisy. If she invited you to a ceremonial lynching, would you go?” “Depends on what she’s serving,” Wilson fires back. Wilson has a feeling that House secretly wants to go and be a part of this baby’s life. House deflects by making a crack about underage sex and stealing a piece of chocolate cake from an oblivious kid. The horror!
At a cheap hamburger joint, Taub tracks down the molestation accuser, “Ryan” and informs him that he thinks an AIDS test is in order. The kid dodges “Oh, yeah. Yeah. Already did that,” and tells Taub to get outta there.
“I want my job back!” Foreman howls as he stomps into House’s office. “Love, sacrifice, deception, and now betrayal. This is better than a telenovela,” House muses. GAG. Stop stickin’ a tiara on a pig and tellin’ me it’s Princess Di, House. Thirteen walks in and asks what’s going on. “You trying to get me fired?” Thirteen asks. She turned down the other job and is confused why Foreman is there without her. Blah blah, controlling, ungrateful, etc. Thirteen storms out and Foreman takes the “blow her off and get [his] old job back” route.
Back with Daniel, Kumar notices his blood pressure is escalating. Daniel has a bit of a freakout and pulls down the neck of his gown to reveal a rash on his chest. Taub thinks it’s just an allergic reaction, but House thinks it’s Job’s Syndrome (or hyper IgE syndrome). I fear that would be too poetic. Foreman and Thirteen whine about who’s the bigger moron (You both are! Shut UP.) House orders a genetic test and everyone looks at each other awkwardly.
Kumar and Taub are attending to Daniel when Ryan walks in and asks to speak with his former priest. The two share a tender moment as Ryan tearfully apologizes and Daniel accepts the apology in a priestly fashion.
House, meanwhile, is staring at the Whiteboard of Answers when Wilson walks in, pleading with House to be understanding about Cuddy’s whole baby-naming thing. “Even if an absolute truth exists, we can’t know all of it, and you can’t condemn her for recognizing that,” Wilson says, which sets off a lightbulb for House. He erases “Hallucinations” from the whiteboard and Wilson goes, “What are you doing?!?” Apparently, it’s not a symptom.
House informs Daniel he has Wiskott-Aldrich Syndrome, an inherited auto-immune disease. The hallucinations were caused by the scotch. “It was a coincidence?” asks Daniel. “Coincidences do happen,” replies House. “It was a coincidence that brought me to you,” Daniel continues. “You promised you wouldn’t go there,” House interrupts. “Einstein said ‘Coincidences are God’s way of remaining anonymous,'” Daniel realizes. “An old woman in Florida said, ‘Look, Jesus is on my cheese sandwich!'” House cracks. Awww, look. Daniel got his faith back. How cute. Whatever.
Cuddy goes down to the ER to tell Cameron that House was right about the priest. “You want him there tonight,” Cameron observes, “You should tell him.”
Cuddy takes Cameron up on her advice and stops House before he can head out the door. “It’s cold out there,” he observes. And in a mantra shared by fashion-enslaved women everywhere, Cuddy points out that, “At least you have shoes that cover your toes.” I’ve got a little hint for you, Cuddy. If you pack a pair of flats in your day-pack/gigantic purse, you can run out to your car without killing yourself or freezing to death. It’s only a couple minutes — you can put your cute heels back on when you get in the car! Where was I before I got off on the shoe tangent? Oh, yes. Cuddy tries to invite House, but he just looks at her knowingly and says, “Have fun.”
The closing scene has House soulfully plunking away at the piano as Cuddy’s party rages on, and Thirteen returns home to find Foreman sprawled out on her couch. They kiss (Or at least I think they do. That’s what I thought I saw when I peered through my fingers.) and House takes a swig of his scotch before segueing into a musical arrangement that sounds more like a Russian drinking song. Cuddy opens the door, expecting to see House there, and looks crestfallen when she finds it’s just an older Jewish couple. Thirteen and Foreman make out some more as the music turns sad and bluesy again. Aaaaaannd… scene.
Next week: A transgender case! House being nice! Wilson gives House a titty-twister when he stops breathing! Hopefully it’s a little less tedious than this week. See y’all then!