‘R’ or No ‘R,’ ‘Venom’ Was Always Going to Be Terrible

It’s been a hard week for fans of the big screen superhero genre.  Henry Cavill, the DCEU’s picture-perfect Superman, was fired from the blockbuster mega-franchise in lieu of extending his existing contract.  Warner Bros officially started filming the first of their three(?) non-canonical Joker solo movies — this one starring Joaquin Phoenix — confirming beyond a shadow of a doubt that they really don’t have any idea what the Hell it is that they’re doing and that any potential upswing in movie quality (via hopefuls Aquaman, Shazam! and Wonder Woman 1984) will be short-lived aberrations.  And the long-rumored changes to Venom, Sony’s Spider-Man-less Spider-Man spinoff (that may or may not somehow also be a sequel to last year’s Alien knockoff Life), will be rated PG-13, rather than its time-and-time again promised hard R rating.

Although probably inevitable, given the movie studio’s many rankling issues that have beleaguered its bottom line for years, it comes as a low blow to franchise fans that had anticipating everything that could be done with this particular franchise, if only given the narrative leniency that an R rating would allow for.  After all, despite being based in the four-color panels of Marvel Comics, Venom always possessed an insidious edge that was unlike anything else that the comic publisher put forth in its pages.

In the most explicit terms possible, Venom was not Spider-Man.  He was his perfect, direct opposite: an alien supervillain born of his most self-serving and violent tendencies.  Possessing his every power (and then some), he often acted as Spidey’s darkest half: a frequent supervillain and occasional anti-hero that killed, maimed and generally did whatever the Hell he wanted to do at any given point of time.

It only made sense that a movie based on the character would be rated R, especially in the wake of Deadpool (2016), Logan (2017) and Deadpool 2 (2018) proving the economic and artistic viability of that rating within the genre.  Then again, it only made sense that a Venom movie would prominently feature Peter Parker, to whom his origins are inseparably tangled.  But here we are: not Spider-Man, no R rating.  Funny how that works.

It has been obvious to anybody willing to own up to it that Venom was never going to be a good movie.  Even ignoring the absence of character-defining nemesis Spider-Man and Sony’s confused stance on whether or not their movie ties into the MCU (spoiler alert: it doesn’t), it was always going to be terrible.  The title character’s design looks like a wet, roughly man-shaped turd who gargles his lines through a mouthful of phlegm.  The special effects, even as of the release of the most recent trailer, oscillate between unfinished and hopelessly inept.  The pallet-swapped villain (a very dark gray instead of a swampy black) promises to be visually indistinguishable from the protagonist he’s invariably going to throw down with in the film’s third-act climax.  And I still have no idea what Tom Hardy is supposed to sound like when dressed down in his Eddie Brock persona.

The PG-13 Rating — which ensures that all of the best violence, that the movie’s been selling itself with for months, will be cut down to virtually nothing — merely confirms this.  And when the film is eventually shaved down to as close to 90 minutes as Sony can get it, so as to cram exactly as many screenings into a day as possible and thus wring the film of every last scent that it’s worth, it will merely act to confirm it again.  Venom is going to be terrible, and there’s nothing that any of us (nor, as it turns out, Sony) can do about it.

6 Comments

  1. Webz September 20, 2018
  2. Tom September 20, 2018
    • Webz September 21, 2018
      • Tom September 21, 2018
        • Webz September 21, 2018
  3. Tom September 21, 2018

Add Comment

American Gods Season 3: Serious Moonlight Recap
Below Deck Star Reveals Shocking Reasons For Signing an NDA
South Park: The Top Five Lessons We Can Learn From The Show
How Much Does it Cost to Go on Dr. Pimple Popper?
Which X-Men Villain Should Be The Big Bad For The MCU Movie?
Black Manta
How Black Manta Can Be Developed In Aquaman 2
Ranking The Top Five Characters From Coen Brothers Films
Was Roger Ebert Ever “Wrong” About a Film?
Robot Chicken Imagines The Little Mermaid Visiting New York
10 Things You Didn’t Know about Harry Redknapp
10 Things You Didn’t Know about Amr Waked
10 Awesome Powers That are Impractical in Real Life
DC Comics Reveals That The Joker Will Get His Own Series
Freddy Krueger, Jason and Pinhead are Fighting the Power Rangers in Fan-Made Comic
Elm Street
Did You Know Marvel Made a Freddy Kreuger Comic in 1989?
Five Reasons Why DeSaad Deserves a Solo Movie
The Top Ten Dueling Monsters In Yu-Gi-Oh!
The Top Five Yu-Gi-Oh! Villains
Vinland Saga
Why You Should Be Watching Vinland Saga
Super Anime
Check Out Mario & Luigi: Super Anime Brothers
The 10-Year Hunt for the Lost McDonald’s DS Game
Building The Ultimate Breath Of The Wild Playhouse
How Many Potatoes It Takes to Run DOOM
Here’s What We Know about Harry Potter: Hogwarts Legacy for PS5