If you’ve been following the copious Tiger Woods updates, you probably know that the greatest golfer in the world, well, isn’t playing golf anymore. How’d we get here, Tiger? Oh, I remember. The bazillion affairs, including one with a porn-star that took place at his bachelor party. Yipes. Then there was the alleged beat-down that started it all – innocent car crash or frantic escape? Since then, Tiger Woods’ image – and world – have shattered like the window on his Cadillac when wife Elin obliterated it with a nine-iron.
As the first billionaire sportsman, Tiger’s fortune is built more off of sponsorship deals than tournament wins. Sure, his sponsors are holding off at the moment, waiting to see if the public falls into a moral coma – but we’ve seen this all before. Tiger’s critics will dog him from here to eternity, and his squeaky clean image is gone forever. You know what this means…reinvention.
Before his high-maintenance wealth begins to implode, Ex-Golfer Tiger Woods must reinvent himself in a brand new venue. There is only one option: Television.
Television is where the spirit of New Collosus has wound up: Give us your scandalized, your sensational, your morally meek. No matter how hard you have fallen as a non-TV celeb, TV can reform you. Just think of the opportunities:
GAME SHOW HOST
Not only does Tiger have the voice control and charisma, but instead of an irritating countdown clock he could do that thing where he bounces a golf ball on the end of driver. Special rule: if he drops the ball, everybody wins – it’ll never happen anyways. And just imagine how fun the double entendres will be: “While Tiger plays with his balls, contestants will have 30 seconds to solve this problem.”
“Wine, Dine, and Run Like Hell”. Cameras follow Tiger and Elin each week as he attempts to keep a new affair off the radar and she plots her revenge. Scoff if you must, but look at the millions and millions tuning into TMZ to get, basically, the same thing.
If he got away with it for this long, the dude no doubt has some acting chops. He could put those to work on some of televisions hottest shows:
- Desperate Housewives: Tiger plays a disgraced athlete who moves to Wisteria Lane and is soon entangled in affairs with all of the women in the neighborhood. The shocking twist: he’s married. (Okay, maybe not so shocking.)
- C.S.I. Miami: Tiger plays a disgraced athlete who accidentally runs over his wife. Things don’t look so accidental when Horatio sees the golf club protruding from the wife’s chest. “Now that’s what I call… a hole in one.” (Cue “won’t get fooled again”)
- House: Tiger plays a disgraced athlete who can’t get back into the game. As his condition worsens, House has an epiphany in act four and realizes Tiger – who has been playing faitfhul husband to this point – has a rare form of syphilis that is affecting his nervous system. In order to cure it, he has to track down the porn star he slept with years earlier.
- LOST: upon detonating the bomb, the Oceanic 815 survivors are sent through time successfully preventing the crash, with one bizarre change – instead of Michael and Walt being on the plane, it’s Tiger. As season six goes on, the show takes a meta-fictional turn and we find out in the final moments that the world of LOST is actually the mental safe space Tiger goes to trying to cope with his sense of guilt, hence the persistent themes of redemption and inconstant lovers. As the stress increased, the mental world became more volatile and he receded further and further into the island – finally mysteriously appearing within that world. In the final act, Tiger escapes his fugue and returns to golfing, only to find his opponent is Benjamin Linus. David Lynch to direct.